The hardest word {Meredith}

[Mordred Le Fey]

Mordred sat in the same coffee shop he'd waited for her in before, what felt like a lifetime ago.  He wondered if arranging to meet here might have been a bad idea, given what had happened last time, and as he looked down at the table, his coffee and the tea he'd ordered her sitting there, he had a sense of deja vu that seemed to confirm his doubts.  He almost texted her to rearrange, to ask her to meet somewhere else, but as he saw the time on his phone was nearly two, he decided that trying to change the plan now was a worse idea than just carrying on regardless.

At least he'd picked a different table - this one was in the centre of the cafe, rather than hidden away in the corner, and as he sat and waited he watched his hand tremor slightly on the table in front of him.  He clenched his fist and tried to control the shake, picking up his mug with his other hand and taking a sip of the strong, black coffee.  He was finally beginning to look more like his old self again; he was still too thin, his eyes were bloodshot with dark circles underneath them, but he had clearly made more of an effort with his appearance than he had the last few times he'd been around people.  The cut on his cheek was healing well since Gwen's treatment, and although it would leave a large and obvious scar, it no longer looked infected or as painful as it had.

He'd spent so long trying to work out what he was going to say, how he was going to greet her, start the conversation, apologise - but ultimately, as he sat there glancing at the door every couple of seconds, he couldn't recall any of the words he'd planned so carefully.  A single pink rose lay on the table by the cup of tea, and the more he glanced at it, the more he inwardly cringed - it was too cliched, it was too cheesy, he wondered if he should just get rid of it before she showed up.

If she showed up.  If he got over that hurdle, he'd figure out the rest.

[Meredith Emrys-Pendragon]

When Mordred had told her where he wanted to meet, Meredith had almost backed out instantly. The memories associated with that place were not exactly pleasant, but after all the assorted conversations she'd had, after how terrible he looked at tea, after her revelation to Lorelei... she had to give him the chance, and rejecting his olive branch because of location was churlish even for her.

Then she'd almost not gone because she'd been sick again, but having put down her current intermittent illness to stress, she could hardly avoid the one thing that might actually make it better, so she'd had a cup of tea and relaxed until she felt better, steeling herself for the meeting. She'd changed outfits three times then got angry at herself for caring about it and thrown on her jeans and her favourite star wars t-shirt, before changing her mind twice more and ending up in jeans and a harry potter t-shirt instead.

Eventually, however, she made it to the coffee shop. She didn't know whether to be relieved or more nervous when she saw he'd chosen a more central table this time, but she marched into the shop before she could stop herself and slid into the seat opposite him.

"...hi."

[Mordred Le Fey]

She managed to slip through the door during one of the few moments he hadn't been staring at it, so when she slipped into the seat opposite him and spoke he was caught off-guard. Which was probably a good thing, as it stopped him from overthinking and planning, and as he looked up and saw her there, he simply smiled.

"Hi."

It took him a second to realise he was staring, and he caught himself and looked away, embarrassed and mentally kicking himself. He gestured to the cup in front of her. "I got you a tea. It should still be hot - I'll get another one if it's gone cold.  Unless you want something else - I can get you something else if you like?  And I got you..." He picked up the flower, feeling unbelievably foolish. "No, sorry, that was stupid, I shouldn't have... I'll get rid of it." Gods, this is a nightmare.

He took a deep breath and a sip of coffee to try and calm himself, his leg bouncing with nerves under the table and his hands shaking with withdrawal above it. Lorelei had made this sound so simple and easy, but he felt like he was drowning. He felt like an idiot - an idiot who had so much to apologise for, but had no idea where to even start.

"How are you?"

Mordred, you lame bastard, pull it together.

[Meredith Emrys-Pendragon]

Meredith blinked, she couldn't believe the change, Mordred seemed so... flustered. Could it really be? Was it an act of some kind? Or had the callousness of before been an act? She thought she knew Mordred, but the last few weeks had completely thrown her off. Despite the awkwardness being so unfamiliar it was also somewhat charming, and she couldn't help but think how could it possibly be an act? Why would Mordred let himself be seen, in public, behaving like this if he didn't really mean it? She, Meredith, had flapped the unflappable. Smooth, cool, seductive Mordred was... he was trying to impress her.

"No, I like it," she put her hand out, meaning to stop him trying to throw away the flower but instead finding herself grabbing his hand, and once she had she wasn't sure she wanted to let go. She wasn't normally the sort of girl people bought flowers for, and she was okay with that, but she could see the meaning behind the gesture and she appreciated it for what it was.

"I'm...I'm okay... how are you?"

[Mordred Le Fey]

As she grabbed his hand he looked up at her, surprised and confused. He put the rose back on the table and withdrew his hand slowly, not wanting her to feel the shakes, embarrassed.

“I’m...” he paused. He couldn’t say the two simple letters ‘ok’, because he wasn’t, not yet. He wasn’t as not ok as he had been, but he wasn’t ok yet. “Better than I was.” He said honestly, giving her a sad smile, before disappearing into his coffee again.

He took a deep breath, knowing he couldn’t let this go any further without saying those two words, the words that would carry so much, the words he had to say to so many people. But this was the hardest one.

“Meredith... I’m sorry.” He had put his coffee cup down, his shaking hands resting on the table as he looked her in the eye properly, for the first time since all this had begun. “I know it’s not enough, I know it can’t come close to making up for everything I’ve done, and I understand if you can never forgive me. But I need you to know how truly sorry I am.”

[Meredith Emrys-Pendragon]

"You look better," she said before she could stop herself, drawing her hand back to herself. Uncertain what to do with herself, she focused on the tea. It had cooled a little, but it was the perfect temperature to drink, and she took a grateful sip. She didn't know how to move on from this, what to do or say next, but as it turned out she didn't have to, because Mordred was speaking again.
She looked up and met his gaze and listened silently, taking in his words, searching his eyes for the sincerity behind them. The fact he could look her in the eye, the fact he was saying the words he hadn't managed to say before, everything else he'd done since the duel to try and make amends with the people he had hurt... it all added together.

It was almost overwhelming, and she felt tears prick at her eyes, not quite enough to start falling yet, but enough to make her feel self-conscious. She hoped they weren't obvious. It would be difficult to forgive him for everything he'd put her through, put her friends and family through, but this at least gave her a reason to stop being quite so angry at him, and the relief was palpable.

"Mordred..." she said slowly, "I..." she stopped, mouth clamping shut, and brought a hand to her lips. She stayed like that for a moment before trying again "I...will be right back."

She stood abruptly, her chair screeching on the floor as it was pushed out behind her, and bolted for the bathroom.

[Mordred Le Fey]

He looked at her as she spoke, as she began to reply, hardly breathing as he waited to see if she would forgive him. Lorelei and Tristian has been so sure she would, the way they talked it seemed an absolute certainty. But until he heard it from her, he couldn’t allow himself to believe that she might release him from the hell he’d been living in.

She said his name... and then she was gone. He stared after her, not understanding what had just happened - had he done it wrong? Had he screwed up what was probably the most important apology of his entire life? He sank back into his chair, his eye dropping to the table.

Fuck Lorelei. And fuck Tristian too for that matter. Clearly they didn’t know her as well as they thought.

[Meredith Emrys-Pendragon]

It was a few minutes before she returned, looking a little paler and a lot more sheepish, she slid awkwardly back into her seat and took a small sip of tea, and then another. Placing her cup back down on the table, she cleared her throat.

"I'm... I'm sorry about that. I've been... a little under the weather lately." she admitted, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear and trying to marshal her thoughts again.

"I'm glad to hear you say that," she admitted "That you're sorry, I mean. I was... I was so worried. Tristian and Lorelei seemed to think there was more than just the callous way you'd behaved that night, but it was so difficult to see... until I saw your face after you... after the duel. I could see you hadn't meant to hurt Lorelei like that, it made me realise perhaps they were right, perhaps there was more to it." she tried to explain, before finally looking up at him and meeting his gaze, fighting to keep her voice strong as she continued.

"But it's still so fresh. The things you said to me, the... the blood on my hands. I thought Lorelei was going to die, she could have died, and you did that. You took whatever was hurting you, whatever was making you push me away and you bundled it up into this little ball of rage until you nearly killed one of my best friends, and that's not something you just get over..."

[Mordred Le Fey]

He sat in silence while she was gone, staring at his hamd, watching it shake. He wanted a drink, so very badly, and he felt as if he was going to go mad from the combination of the cravings, the nerves, and the fear of why she had just run off that way.

He looked up as she returned, noticing how pale she looked, and his concern was etched on his face. He wanted to reach out and tuck that strand of hair behind her ear himself, to stroke her cheek, but he clenched his fist instead, bringing it under the table and into his lap. “Are you alright?” He asked, genuinely concerned for her and worried about her. “Are you sick? I’ll get you some water...” He signalled to the barista who brought over a glass of water and placed it on the table.

He fell silent as she addressed his apology, wanting to look down again and avoid her eye, but forcing himself to look at her, to be sincere.

“I know nothing I can say can make up for the things I’ve done.” He said quietly, after a pause. He’d never thought harder about the things he wanted to say. “I never meant to hurt Lorelei like that, and regardless of whether she’s forgiving me, or Gwen has, or Tristian or anyone, I will never forgive myself for losing control like that and hurting her. It was...” He stammered slightly as he tried to find the words. “It was a moment of sheer madness and I promise you now I will never allow myself to lose control like that again.” He took a sip of coffee, his mouth dry and continued.

“That night... I don’t know what I was thinking. I was scared. People who get close to me get hurt, the closer they get the worse the damage is. I had this ridiculous idea that if I pushed you away early then I was protecting you from something worse later. It was stupid, and I should never have let it get that far in the first place, not if I couldn’t see it through.” He looked down, tapping the side of his mug nervously with his finger, unable to meet Meredith’s eye as he opened up to her, finally. “I wanted to see it through. I didn’t know how. And then after, here... I was a pig. I can’t defend myself.”

“I can’t ask you to get over what happened that day on the field. I can’t ask for your forgiveness, because I don’t deserve it. After the fight I thought I’d destroyed everything, I had nothing left to live for, that’s why I took all those pills and -“ he stopped suddenly, looking at her. He hadn’t meant to tell her that - he didn’t want her to know how dark he’d got, he didn’t want to lay that burden on her. “I mean, I...” he searched for a way to backtrack, panic stricken.

“I just need to know that you’re going to be ok. With or without me in your life.”

[Meredith Emrys-Pendragon]

"I'm fine," Meredith waved off his concern, but she couldn't help but be touched by it, smiling a little at the glass of water and obediently taking a sip, even if she did go right back to her tea afterwards.

She listened to him explaining himself, to his promises and apologies, and she could believe them, she really could, she knew he meant them right then and there... but what about next time something tipped him over the edge? Would he really be better? Would he really keep his control?
Would giving him a chance make it better or worse?

Then he mentioned the pills and her mouth dropped open, unable to unhear it however quickly he hurried on.

"Mordred..."she breathed "how could you?" Tears stung at her eyes again only this time she felt them falling.

"Don't ever do something like that again! Do you hear me Mordred Le Fey? No matter what I decide or what I do you have to... you can't... you can't do that,okay?" her anger flared and wilted just as quickly. She took a deep breath and ran her hand through her hair, trying to calm herself. She picked up a napkin and wiped at her cheeks, looking down at her tea.

"I couldn't.. I don't know what I'd do if... I love you, Mordred, I... I don't know how long it will take me to get passed all this, I have to be honest with you about that," she looked up again "but I think... I think I will, eventually, because you can't choose who you fall in love with and I fell in love with you, but you have to look after yourself, you can't... you can't rely on me to... to be the reason you keep going. You have to find that for yourself."

[Mordred Le Fey]

He wanted to take her in his arms, to hold her tightly and promise her the things she was asking, to wipe away her tears and stroke her hair, to swear to her that everything was going to be ok now.

But he stayed in his seat, his arm moving a fraction towards her as if to reach out to her, tears welling in his own eyes as he watched the girl he loved cry, again, because of him. “I thought you’d be better off if you were free of me.” His voice was almost a whisper as he gazed at her through a haze of tears. “I wanted you to find someone who deserved you, without me there to screw it up. I couldn’t live without you.”

He took a deep breath, blinking to try and get rid of the tears that were threatening to fall. “Aiden stopped me. She made sure I was ok, and... and I realised how stupid I was being. I didn’t want you to know, I’m sorry.”

He wanted to go to her, to kneel in front of her and take her hands in his. To stroke her hair away from her face and kiss her. “I love you, Meredith. You’re everything to me.” He considered stopping there, debating whether now was the time to say the next words. “I watched Star Wars for you.” He gave her a small smile, praying that this new revelation would make her smile. He loved her smile.

[Meredith Emrys-Pendragon]

"I'm glad she did," she said softly "Mordred... you can't make decisions like that for people, for me. You can't decide people are better off without you, because you'll probably find they disagree... I do," she looked down again, blinking back tears, she wished she could get through this without crying, she wasn't that type of girl, or at least that's what she thought.

"I don't want to be without you, it's... it's like daddy and Merlin, they're just sort of meant to be, Merlin always says it was destiny, that Kilgharrah told him they were meant to be and he turned out to be right. Sometimes I feel like it's that way with me and you, we're just sort of drawn together...wait, you watched Star Wars?" She did smile, just a little "what.. what did you think?"

[Mordred Le Fey]

He knew she was right, and her words gave him a sense of hope he hadn’t felt in a long time. Perhaps things could work out for them - maybe not right away, but her words told him he hadn’t lost her, and that was all he needed to know right now. He still wanted to kiss her, to hold her and never let her go. But he held himself back, not sure if she was ready, determined to wait for her to tell him that she was ready. He was determined not behave the way he had before.

His smile grew a little as she was distracted by his mention of Star Wars. He finished his coffee, carefully considering how to answer. He raised an eyebrow at her as he placed his mug back on the table, pulling a face. “Well... I can see why you like it.” He said diplomatically, a new and different experience for him. “I still think Luke just needs a good shag though.” He smirked at her. “I watched all three though, beginning to end.” He looked at her with sudden concern. “There’s no more, is there? Just those three, right?”

His expression grew serious again as he looked at her.  "Meredith, what do I need to do to fix this?"

[Meredith Emrys-Pendragon]

"...there's no more." Meredith confirmed with a nod. If he hadn't thought the original trilogy was that good, she could only guess what he'd think of the prequels, and he hadn't earned the right to make fun of them, and he definitely hadn't earned the right to enjoy force awakens, or Rogue one. Nobody who was so vague about the original trilogy deserved Rogue One, Rogue One was special. She was doing him a favour just as much as herself, he probably wouldn't enjoy them, and there was so much to sit through she didn't want to make him do that, not when he wouldn't appreciate them the way they deserved to be appreciated.

"This is a start," she said eventually, "Actually, you know, showing that you want to fix it... but I'm not sure there's anything more you can do, I think it might just take time..." there were wounds that needed to heal, and she wasn't just thinking about Lorelei's, she wasn't sure how easily that would be done, or how long it would take.

[Mordred Le Fey]

"Thank the gods for that." He muttered with a small smile. He'd have sat through 100 Star Wars movies if it made Meredith happy, but he had to admit that he was pleased that was it. Although it was weird that they started in the middle like that.

"I do want to fix it. I want to do whatever it takes." He said seriously, looking her in the eye. At this moment he would have walked through fire to fix things between them, to win her back and to be able to hold her in his arms again. He wanted to reach out and take her hand over the table, but he held back, worried about how she would react. This was harder than he ever could have imagined.

"Time." He repeated sadly. "I understand." He sighed, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his eyes with a shaking hand. "You know if I could take it all back, if I could go back and change everything that happened, I would. I just..." He sighed again.

"Did you see Lorelei's latest story? Apparently I'm a vampire now."