Letters to no-one [Private Journal]

[Mordred Le Fey]

Words aren’t enough anymore. I know that. It’s why I’ll never send this - how can it even begin to bridge the gaps I’ve created, to atone for the things I’ve done and the pain I’ve caused? I wish I could explain why I did the things I did, why I do the things I do, why I will continue to behave this way. But I don’t have the words, the reasons, the explanations. They don’t exist.

I don’t want to hurt you again. I don’t want to hurt the people you care about. I don’t want to be the one who makes you cry, but I don’t know how to be anything else. All I can do is stay away, from everyone, and hope that this space allows you to heal and to move on to something better.  Because you deserve so much better.

[Mordred Le Fey]

I understand if you can never forgive me for what I’ve done. I just wish I could make you see that I never meant it, I never meant things to get that far, to cause this damage. I never want to hurt anyone you care about - you are the only one to have stood by me through thick and thin, to have defended me no matter what I’ve done, to protect me from your parents’ wrath and anger. You’ve stood beside me when everyone else has turned away, and yet I can’t seem to stop doing things to betray you and to hurt you. It’s not fair, and I don’t know why you don’t walk away and cut yourself off from it. I don’t understand what keeps bringing you back.

You asked me why I insist on continually hurting myself. I wish I could answer that, I really do. Sometimes I just need to feel it, to feel something. The things I want to feel, I can’t let myself. When I do, other people get hurt. So I don’t feel it. But when some drunk in a bar is throwing punches, that I feel. Or maybe it’s in the hope someone will take notice. If you went home with as many black eyes I have done over the years, something would be said. But nothing is said to me. Except by you.

My ever faithful. How can you stay faithful now?

[Mordred Le Fey]

I wish you hadn’t been handed that key. I wish you’d been protected from all of this. I wish I hadn’t sent you that message. I wish you hadn’t saved me.

[Mordred Le Fey]

What do I have to do to make you notice? To make you care? I’ve done everything you ever asked of me, I’ve learnt all the lessons you wanted me to learn. And still you don’t see. You are the reason this is what I have become. I’ve craved attention and love from you since I was a child, and I’ve done everything I could think of to get it. I had to cause death to make you even turn your head my way.

What do I have to do to make you love me like you do her?

[Mordred Le Fey]

I’m supposed to protect you, to shield and stop the evil in this world from hurting you. Well how do I do that when I’m part of the evil in the world? Everything I am, everything I’ve done, it’s all so petty and stupid, just another misogynistic creep treating another girl like dirt - but I’ve gone too far, I’ve hurt people I never wanted to, people you care about too. I’m the dirt, I’m the scum, and you don’t deserve this. You deserve someone so much more than I will ever be to protect you and take care of you.

I’m sorry I can’t live up to what you see. I’ve tried to shield you from the darkness that lives inside of me but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it inside. And I don’t want you near enough to get hurt when it takes over.