A Collapsing Star With Tunnel Vision (Mordred)

[Aiden Mumble]

Upon seeing their front door, the tears Aiden had been holding back nearly burst forth. She released a shaky sigh, thinking on her warm bed and dry clothes. Maybe she should take a warm bath to keep from getting a cold or something, but then she'd have to be a mermaid again and that was too much effort. New clothes, a few drinks, bed. That was the plan and she repeated it in her head to keep her weary legs moving until they reached the door at last. Out of habit, Aiden reached out a hand to lift the lid on the mailbox they had near the door. She didn't expect to find anything. It had been uncharacteristically long since Hinrik had sent his last letter and she had been desperate not to think about it. Still she checked every time she came home, passing it off as curiosity and not the growing dread that overwhelmed her thinking he might be injured or dead. So certain that she would find nothing, Aiden nearly closed the lid again before she saw the letter.

Aiden knew it was for her, it looked just like the other ones he had sent. Forgetting Mordred and her act for the moment, she reached in and tore it open. Her heart pounded. She hadn't realized how worried she had truly been til now. It was his handwriting. It was from him. He was alive. His sister was ok. Aiden eyes raced from side to side as she took in every word, shaking from the cold and the sudden burst of adrenaline. He thanked her for her letter despite knowing it was an insult. Aiden's lips twitched and she held her breath as she went on. They might not be needed in battle much longer. Aiden's heart beat so hard her whole chest began to ache.

Yours if you'll have me

I won't. Aiden thought stubbornly, clenching her jaw and struggling to catch her breath.

PS I'm still yours even if you won't have me.

Aiden hiccuped a bitter laugh. She reread the bit about him hopefully returning soon. What was he expecting to find when he returned? Her waiting with open arms? Was he expecting her to be better than she was when he left? Did he suspect she might be worse? What will he say when he sees the hole shes dug for herself? What would he think about her knew sister? Was he hoping it would all be easy? He put in all this effort and he was going to come home and Aiden was going to tell him she hated him because she can't face her own heart. She was going to push him away until she lost him. She could see it all so perfectly in her mind that it scorched her insides and broke her heart.

In a flurry of powerful emotions Aiden tore the letter in half, but then looked on her destruction and promptly burst into tears. It was all too much at last. The days events, teetering between totally melting down and carefully concealed insanity, her parent's expectations and absentminded mistakes, all her nightmares came crashing down on top of her. She collapsed under the weight and physically painful sobs shook her body and soul.

She needed to do something, she couldn't just curl up and die here. She needed to do something. She pushed in through the front door and raced to the kitchen, Mordred's coat falling off in the fray. She needed a pen. She pulled open drawer after drawer. Where did they keep their pens? She kept looking, all the while crying.

[Mordred Le Fey]

He had walked her home in silence, his arm protectively around her shoulders as he guided her back to the house. He wanted to speak, he wanted to reassure her and convince her to open up to him, he wanted to help... but he didn’t know where to start. He didn’t know what to say to make it better, or to get her to open the pandora’s box of issues that she was keeping inside. So he walked in silence, hoping that for now at least his presence was enough, that once he got her home he could just let her take her time and talk to him when she was ready. The main thing right now was keeping her safe, and making sure she didn’t hurt herself or anyone else.

When the reached the house he let go of her to unlock the door, not paying attention to what she was doing at the letter box. He opened the door and turned as he heard the sound of ripping, confused, but before he could register what was going on she had rushed past him into the house. Following her, he shut the door behind them, cautiously going to the kitchen door and watching her, ignoring his coat on the floor when he realised she was crying. As she began pulling drawers open he moved to her quickly, turning her and closing his arms around her, trying to hold her still and comfort her at the same time.

“Aiden, it’s ok. It’s ok.” He didn’t know if he was telling the truth. He didn’t know what had been in that torn letter, but it was killing him to see her like this.

[Aiden Mumble]

Aiden felt like the world was slowing down and speeding up all at once, hell bent on throwing her off her feet and onto the ground. It was hard to see through the tears as she tore through the drawers. Did they even have any goddamn pens? Her whole body hurt with each new wave of tears, but she couldn't make herself stop. Suddenly she was being pulled away from her mission and into someone's arms.

Aiden took a breath in shock, but he felt warm and safe. She wanted to stay here and pretend nothing was wrong again. She wanted to feel like someone else could help shoulder her sorrows. She closed her eyes for a brief moment, imagining a word where she let someone into her heart and comfort her. When she saw a face, it wasn't Mordred and it sparked a whole new set of emotions. She couldn't just give up. She couldn't let herself stay here in his arms and keep pretending. She needed a fucking pen.

"No!" Aiden burst, shoving herself away from him. "No-no, I can't-I can't" She sobbed, turning back to the counter. There was a pen sitting there the whole damn time. Letting out a cry of mingled sadness and anger she ripped it from its resting place, pulled some paper from nearby and raced out into the living room to sit on the ground near the coffee table. She feverishly began to write. If Mordred was trying to stop her, she was ignoring it. Every now and again she'd curse and crumple up a piece. The tears didn't stop, but her breathing had steadied as she focused wholly on the task at hand. She had to tell him something, she had to convince him.

After a minute or two she was satisfied, she folded it best she could with shaking hands, addressed it, marched back outside and shoved it in the mail box to be sent out. There. She did it. She walked back inside.

"I'm okay." She said both to herself and Mordred. "I'm ok, now, I'm fine" She said, but she didn't look it. She looked like she might faint or throw up or both. She stood just inside the door staring into space and trying to find her way out of her emotional turmoil. She'd had done what she wanted to do, now she could calm down. She could calm down now, but her body wouldn't listen. It was fed up with her bottling everything up and she no longer got to decide where and when she wanted to feel.

[Mordred Le Fey]

Stumbling backwards slightly as Aiden pushed him away, Mordred watched in confusion as Aiden grabbed a pen and paper and headed into the living room. "Aiden, what...?" He followed her, standing in the doorway as she feverishly scribbled in the paper, screwing some up, writing some more - he stood silently, letting her write, letting her do whatever it was she needed to do. He thought he understood how she felt, that she needed to do whatever it was she was doing, and he stood aside, letting her get whatever it was out of her system. As she stood and went back to the door he took a step forward, watching carefully, ready to intervene and pull her back in if needed - he was very aware that she was pretty much naked from the waist down. Good thing she'd put on a long shirt today.

He watched her go to the mail box, and as she turned to come back inside he grabbed two glasses and a bottle of rum from the kitchen - he knew it wouldn't have been long before Aiden started replenishing her stocks after the intervention. It had taken a hell of a lot of self control for him not to help himself, but if ever Aiden needed a drinking buddy, now was it. He just had to know when to stop.

Holding the two glasses in one hand, he pulled to top of the bottle off with his teeth, pouring a sizeable measure of rum into each glass. With a look to Aiden, he walked into the living room and placed the bottle on the coffee table, before holding out a glass to her, hoping to tempt her into the room. He said nothing, taking a swig of rum himself as he held his other arm outstretched towards her.

As he swallowed the rum and felt the odd warmth down his throat and into his chest, he almost closed his eyes with the satisfaction and pleasure that only alcohol could give him. He knew this was bad, he knew this was a huge mistake - he had been on the wagon for so long he'd finally moved past the shakes and the worst of the withdrawal, but that one swallow of rum and he knew he was lost. He told himself it was necessary, it was to help his friend, it would allow him to help Aiden through whatever she was going through right now. But he knew he was lying to himself.

[Aiden Mumble]

Feeling dazed and dizzy, Aiden watched Mordred move, but was afraid to do so herself. She felt like she was physically going to crumble and a step could set the whole thing off. She watched him grab a bottle she had been hoping he hadn't noticed. She had assumed he hadn't, given the fact that it wasn't empty yet. However, he grabbed it like he knew it was there. He had been resisting. She'd be proud if she wasn't trying so hard to keep from crying again. She watched him pour them both a drink and move into the living room. He beckoned. She hesitated. Not only was she unsure she could move her legs, but she was unsure if she should drink with him. Her and Costin had just tried so hard to get him sober and apparently he was really sticking to it. She shouldn't drink with him.

I shouldn't drink with him, she thought as she slowly moved forward. I shouldn't drink with him, she thought as she carefully grabbed the glass with two hands. I shouldn't drink with him, She thought, but the reason had gone hazy as she all but chugged the glass. She took a long shaking breath. It felt so nice. She burn distracted her from her throbbing heart and trembling limbs. She felt steadied, centered by the liquor. Which was all nice unless you had things you wanted to forget as well.

Aiden didn't speak. She didn't try to stop Mordred. She reached over and poured herself another large glass. Coming down from her episode she felt embarrassed and she sought to quell the fear with more drink. She took a swig and sat on the couch. She kept her limbs close to her body, protectively, and her eyes on the ground.

[Mordred Le Fey]

He felt a sense of relief as she moved, as she took the glass and drank. He knew drinking wouldn't solve anything, it wouldn't fix her problems, it wouldn't make her issues go away. All it would do would be to mask whatever pain she was feeling right now. And while masking it wouldn't help in the long run, it was the best thing he could offer her in the short term. That, and him. For whatever that was worth.

He sat on the sofa beside her, trying to drink the rum slowly, attempting to savour it - his first drink in weeks. But too quickly the first drink was gone, and he was already reaching for the bottle to pour his second. He smothered the voice inside that was calling out to him to stop, that he was ruining everything, that this was a test he was failing miserably, and poured the rum into his glass, leaning back and taking a deep breath before continuing to drink. He knew it wouldn't take long to feel that buzz, and Gods, he had missed that buzz.

Leaning back on the sofa, he reached across and rested his arm on the back, behind Aiden, bringing his leg up and resting his ankle on his other knee. He watched her with his head slightly tilted, drinking in silence for a few minutes before finally speaking.

"So what was all that, babe?"

[Aiden Mumble]

Mordred didn't sounds overly stressed when he spoke. He didn't sound like he was afraid she would break. He didn't sound judgmental. He sounded curious and that made Aiden relax a bit. He was probably concerned. She'd been on the opposite side of a meltdown before. She'd been in that position with him, actually. He probably wanted her to talk, to let it all out. She tried to imagine what she would have done if She'd gotten this far with him, if he hadn't run up into his room. She'd probably try and make him talk. So far he was making her calmer which was already better than she had done.

She didn't answer him right away, though her faced twitched a bit when he called her babe. She was feeling too vulnerable to be called 'babe' by anyone, even him. It didn't feel like it usually felt. When she called him babe, it was sort of a joke. A pet name for someone she knew would never actually be her babe, her love, her one and only. She called him babe when she was feeling confident and strong and hearing him say it back made her feel sexy and justified. IT was like a little boost from a friend. It always felt like: "I'm not going to have sex with you, but I want to." Which Aiden took as a compliment. Now, as she struggled to find the broken pieces of her soul lying around the room, it felt too personal. She was not his babe. He loved someone else, well at least, he had told her so. Aiden hadn't even met Meredith yet. If they were all fine and together, wouldn't she have come to the house by now. Why did it matter? What was she trying to justify?

Aiden took another long drink, her shaken body already starting to feel the alcohol. "I can't" she said plainly, still looking at her glass. She took a breath and leaned back on his arm, a subtle way of her body getting the human contact it desired. "I can't" She said, looking at him with a tired expression this time. Couldn't what? Couldn't tell him? Couldn't take it anymore? The answer was yes to both and she hoped he understood.

[Mordred Le Fey]

As she rested her head back against his arm, he moved his hand slightly and softly stroked her head - the way she had to him those short weeks before as he lay with his head in her lap, breaking down and not knowing how to cope, or where to turn. He drained his glass before shifting his arm, moving it down so it was around her shoulders, and he gently pulled her over to him, shifting closer to her on the sofa so her head would rest on his chest. His hand moved up to her head, and he began to gently stroke her hair again, the tips of his fingers brushing her forehead as he lowered his head, resting it against hers, breathing deeply and slowly.

He closed his eyes briefly, the rum making his head swim a little, still methodically stroking Aiden's hair. He so wanted to help her; he could't explain the feelings he had for Aiden, they were so complex and so intricately linked with his own issues and depression and addictions. But something in him had fused with her. Something in him needed her, needed to help her, needed her close to him, needed to feel her breathing in rhythm with his, her heart beating in time with his. He felt a need to protect her, to keep her safe - he tried to equate it with his feelings for his sister, but it was different than that, more intense, more electric. He told himself that was all it was, it was the feeling of a brother, more than a friend but less than a lover. But he knew he was kidding himself. It was more complicated than that, it was something he couldn't unravel and justify. It was ineffable.

He sighed deeply, looking longingly at the bottle of rum on the table. Unable to resist the temptation, he placed his glass on the arm of the sofa and leaned forward to grab it, his arm still around Aiden's shoulders, stopping her from pulling away from him. Sitting back he poured himself another drink, before offering the bottle to Aiden, still not letting go of her.

"You know you're gonna be ok, right?" He asked quietly, resting his head gently against hers again. "I'm going to make sure of it."

[Aiden Mumble]

As he pulled her in closer, her head began to go through its usual reasons to pull away. Her instincts told her she wasn't allowed to have this. Her body tensed, but she didn't resist. She felt about as capable as a rag doll. She couldn't push away from this even if she wanted too. Plus, as her head lay on his chest and her breathing slowed to match his, her muscles relaxed. She had desired this sort of contact for so long now it felt like the closeness was making her drunker than the drink. She was cold from the pond and shaky from everything else. He felt like a warm blanket, or when you get into a hot bath after standing in a cold room. The pressure of his arm around her reminded her that she wasn't going to explode and lessened her trembling.

When he moved his head to grab the rum and odd sort of anxiety shot through her heart. She watched him. Was he going o get up? She didn't want him to move. She wanted to stay in this small corner of comfort forever. IT had been so long since she'd felt comforted. Too long. Her heart settled when he handed her the bottle. She finished the rest of the drink she had and leaned forward a bit to pour herself more. She felt hazy and warm from a combination of rum and Mordred's touch. When she leaned back onto him, her t-shirt sneaked up her legs slightly, but she didn't care. She didn't wear pants around the house all the time. He placed his head on hers once more and she felt another odd thrill of emotion. Though she knew what he was saying wasn't true, she wanted to believe it. In the cocoon he had created her, she convinced herself to at least humor the idea that she would be ok someday.

She moved her head a bit and turned it so she was face to face with him. Why was he doing this? Was it just repayment or did he desire comfort as well? She searched his eyes for the answers, though she felt distracted by the buzzing in her head and the closeness of his lips. "Will you?" Aiden asked, feeling the air thicken between them. Her heart began to pick up pace once more, but this time not for fear.

[Mordred Le Fey]

She turned to face him, and he barely heard her question, his eyes locked on hers but his senses buzzing with her proximity to him, his mind screaming with a hundred conflicting emotions, commands, desires and fears. As his mind finally processed her question he frowned slightly, wondering what she was asking him, his own comments forgotten completely in the all-encompassing thoughts of their closeness. His eyes flicked down to her lips and he was tempted, so very tempted. He licked his own, biting his bottom lip slightly, feeling his heartbeat quickening as he looked at her.

"I promise." He almost breathed the words, his arm still around her, his hand drifting from hair to her side, his fingers reaching around her tiny frame as his other hand clutched his glass tightly. He felt himself moving closer to her, his face slowly moving closer towards hers, his eyes locked on hers. He could feel her hot breath mingling with his and his breathing quickened, short fast breaths as they were mere centimeters from each other.

Closing his eyes, he forced himself to turn his head away, bringing his glass up to his mouth and practically gulping at the rum, drinking the glassful in one go. This was wrong - what he was thinking was wrong, what he was feeling was wrong. He forced himself to think of Meredith, but it was painful - he didn't know how long it would be before she would take him back, if she would ever take him back, and with a pang of frustration he wondered if she expected him to wait forever. He turned back to Aiden, looking down at her as he placed his glass down.

"Fuck it." Leaning into her, he kissed her hard, moving to face her fully and taking her face in his hands. He kissed her hungrily, pouring weeks of tension, frustration and longing into the contact between them, his hands in her hair, on her back, pulling her against him as his mouth moved frantically against hers.

[Aiden Mumble]

Aiden was careful not to move from where she had positioned herself. She watched him with a guarded gaze, feeling like the tension between them forbade her from pulling away, but fears and red flags swinging around her mind kept her from moving closer. She felt a dark and terrible desire to feel his skin against hers. Not only did they have some undefinable connection, but sleeping with Mordred was another wonderful step towards self destruction. All of the fallout made the idea more attractive to Aiden. She could push so many people away with this. She could ruin things between her and Mordred and then she'd be alone. Which is what she wanted, right? As far as going out with a bang, Aiden liked the idea. If she was destined to be alone, at least she could have some fun on the way.

He breathed the word and she caught her breath. Why did he care so much? Here he was promising to take care of her. Here they were, two people who spent more time sleeping around than walking. They didn't attach emotion with sex all that often. Mordred had before and then he panicked and kicked Meredith out. Aiden liked to think she'd never attached emotion to sex. She'd never had sex with someone she loved before. This day had been full of emotions. She'd been up and down on a dangerous ride since the fan fiction this morning and yet her body still managed to feel as he crept closer. Her head started to ping that alarm she felt when she was approaching something that was too close to her heart. She wanted to run, but couldn't find the power to move. She felt overwhelmed and intoxicated. She was dizzy from the drink and his words. Just before every alarm was set off inside her, he turned away.

Aiden blinked and let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. That was close. Too close. She couldn't sleep with Mordred that was the single house rule she'd been abiding by. She took a drink too, but it didn't help much. Her heart was still pounding, his hand still on her. Her skin felt hot beneath his touch. She tried to calm down, but before she could get anywhere he turned back again and they were kissing.

The power of it was explosive, she couldn't stop herself even if she tried. Which she did not. She answered his hunger with hunger of her own. She forced herself apart from him only to tug at his shirt. Suddenly ever piece of fabric was in the way and needed to go. She kissed his neck, pushing him back against the couch roughly. She wanted every part of him and this time there was no broken glass to stop them.

[Mordred Le Fey]

He felt her respond to his kiss, to his need and his hunger, and it spurred him on, his hands roaming over her body as she kissed him back and met his hunger and passion. He felt her pulling at his shirt and helped her, pulling it over his head and tossing it aside, his hands immediately returning to her, searching for bare skin. He felt his breath catch in his throat as her lips moved to his neck, falling back against the coach and pulling her with him as he did, pulling her on top of him, his hands roaming under her shirt.

He knew it was wrong, he knew he was taking advantage of her, as much as she was of him. He knew that if anyone ever found out, if Meredith ever found out then it would be over for them, and he still harboured a hope that there was a chance there. He knew that this could ruin that forever, but he couldn't stop himself, the need he had for Aiden in this moment had taken hold and all sense had been pushed out of his mind. All that existed in this moment was him and Aiden and their desperation for each other.

Holding her to him, wrapping her legs around his waist he stood, kissing her deeply, and carried her upstairs, the hunger in his kiss not easing for a moment.