Post by Lancelot du Lac on Sept 7, 2012 18:50:00 GMT -5
{the following's a short, dialogue based story that I wrote for a contest on the 'D. Since it's a retelling of Snow White's story, I figured I'd go ahead and share it with anyone who's interested in reading it here ^.^ }
“Let us begin by telling the story of Snow--”
“Snow's a guy, right?'
“...excuse me?”
“A guy. Snow's a guy. Because Snow's a guy's name.”
“Since when?”
“Final Fantasy Thirteen.”
“We're going with that now?”
“C'mon, tell the story!”
“Alright, alright, where was I...”
“Once upon a time.”
“Right, Once Upon a Time, there was a young man named Snow White. Now, Snow was a very beau—handsome, handsome young man. So handsome in fact, that all the other men throughout the kingdom were quite envious of his appearance. They would often say that Snow was the... handsomest?'
“Hottest works.”
“Do we really--”
“Yep.”
“Fine, Snow is the hottest man in the kingdom. Which would probably have been okay, except Snow had a very jealous... Stepmother?”
“She was upset because she'd married Snow's stupid dad instead of Snow.”
“That makes absolutely no--”
“So she was like 'grr, my son's the hottest guy instead of my husband! Plus, he's going to totally take over the kingdom if I don't do something!' So she called her---”
“Who's telling this story, me or you?”
“I thought we both were... kinda.”
“... you can see this, because this story is all in dialogue, but I'm glaring at you right now.”
“Go on then.”
“Thank you. So Snow's stepmother was jealous because she'd married the hottest guy in the land, but he wasn't so hot anymore.”
“Like George Clooney.”
“Trust me, George Clooney is still very hot.”
“If you say so.”
“I do. Now, the stepmother decided that her step-son had to die. Otherwise she wouldn't get the kingdom and she'd no longer be married to the hottest man in the kingdom. So she called in her huntsman and instructed him to take Snow into the woods to hunt.
“The huntsman and Snow were friends since Snow was a child, and the man had grown to care very much about--”
“The huntsman's gay.”
“The huntsman is not gay, he's--”
“Thor.”
“Do you want me to tell the story?”
“What are you waiting for?”
“So the huntsman had grown to care a good deal for Snow. He decided that he couldn't kill the young man. So he told Snow the whole story, about how Snow's stepmother wanted him dead, and how the huntsman had been chosen to do it. Snow was completely surprised and shocked at this, and he didn't know what to do. The huntsman told him to flee, to run into the woods and seek shelter there.”
“Snow did. He fled into the woods, using his skills in woodcraft to hide from the evil stepmother and her men. The huntsman had, of course, tried to cover Snow's tracks. He brought forth the heart of a deer, giving it to the Evil Stepmother and insisting it was Snow's. This sort of worked, except the stepmother didn't quite believe it. She had her men keep an eye out, just in case.”
“Man, she's suspicious.”
“Most evil rulers are.”
“Yeah, I mean just look at--”
“No politics! We're already stretching things as is.”
“If you say so.”
“Where were we...”
“Dwarfs.”
“Right, so Snow stumbled onto the cottage of several dwarfs. There were--”
“Thirteen of them! And their names were Fili, Kili, Gloin, Oin-- and you're glaring at me again.'
“Who's telling the story?”
“But... but... dwarfs...”
“There were seven dwarfs, and they all saw Snow and—urr, decided that he looked really awesome.”
“you were going to say that they fell in love with him, weren't you?”
“Of course not. Now, the dwarfs worked with Snow. Together they lived in the woods, hunting and surviving. The dwarfs had a nearby mine where they worked, but that didn't leave much time for food. So Snow would hunt for them, and he proved to be a pretty handy cook as well. Things looked like they might more or less work out, except for one little detail. The stepmother, obsessive personality that she was, found out about the dwarfs and Snow. So she disguised herself, heading to the cottage as--”
“As a withered crone! And she had an apple--”
“That's later.”
“What?”
“First she came as a beautiful maiden, who offered the handsome Snow a beautiful... comb.”
“Comb?”
“That's how the story goes.”
“He gets a comb?”
“Well, it made more sense before you insisted we make Snow a man. Anyway, Snow took the comb, and he used it on his flowing raven locks. Its poison worked immediately. He fell into an enchanted sleep. However, the dwarfs soon came back from the mine. The burliest of them saw that Snow had a comb in his hair and pulled it out. As soon as he did, Snow sprang awake, as awake as ever.”
“Aren't you talking kind of fast—“
“The evil stepmother found out her plan didn't work when she asked her magic mirror, which I forgot till now, for some reason. Anyway, she went to the cottage again---”
“Dressed as a withered old crone! And she had a magical apple. Snow was like 'dude, I love me some apples, especially because I've been eating, like, deer and stuff for weeks,' so he took a bite of the apple and... why aren't you yelling at me or glaring?”
“Well, it seemed like you were enjoying yourself.”
“... but you're supposed to...”
“No, no, go ahead. Tell the story.”
“... it's no fun like this.... why don't you tell it?”
“Are you sure? I'd hate to interrupt.”
“...please?”
“Right, well, Snow took a bite of the enchanted apple. And he fell into a deep slumber. This time, the dwarfs couldn't wake him up. They even tried using the Heimlich maneuver on him, but it just didn't work. In despair, they built a coffin made out of glass. Thus they could look upon the prince's fai---fantastic hotness. They had just finished when a han---beautiful princess rode up on her white horse. The princess took one look at the prince and instantly fell in love.”
“Okay, that so doesn't make sense.”
“He sparkled.”
“Oh, alright then. Continue.”
“Right, so the princess fell instantly in love with him. She hopped down from her horse, and begged the dwarfs to at least allow her one kiss. The dwarfs did so, not wanting to see a beautiful girl cry. The princess leaned in, kissed Snow, and--”
“And he woke up! Then he declared revenge upon the evil stepmother and totally attacked their castle, all with the help of the dwarfs and the princess and this guy with hairy feet. They had a lot of adventures and stuff, and finally they killed the evil stepmother.”
“Right. That. And then they got married and lived happily ever after.”
“See, that's a good story.”
“Let us begin by telling the story of Snow--”
“Snow's a guy, right?'
“...excuse me?”
“A guy. Snow's a guy. Because Snow's a guy's name.”
“Since when?”
“Final Fantasy Thirteen.”
“We're going with that now?”
“C'mon, tell the story!”
“Alright, alright, where was I...”
“Once upon a time.”
“Right, Once Upon a Time, there was a young man named Snow White. Now, Snow was a very beau—handsome, handsome young man. So handsome in fact, that all the other men throughout the kingdom were quite envious of his appearance. They would often say that Snow was the... handsomest?'
“Hottest works.”
“Do we really--”
“Yep.”
“Fine, Snow is the hottest man in the kingdom. Which would probably have been okay, except Snow had a very jealous... Stepmother?”
“She was upset because she'd married Snow's stupid dad instead of Snow.”
“That makes absolutely no--”
“So she was like 'grr, my son's the hottest guy instead of my husband! Plus, he's going to totally take over the kingdom if I don't do something!' So she called her---”
“Who's telling this story, me or you?”
“I thought we both were... kinda.”
“... you can see this, because this story is all in dialogue, but I'm glaring at you right now.”
“Go on then.”
“Thank you. So Snow's stepmother was jealous because she'd married the hottest guy in the land, but he wasn't so hot anymore.”
“Like George Clooney.”
“Trust me, George Clooney is still very hot.”
“If you say so.”
“I do. Now, the stepmother decided that her step-son had to die. Otherwise she wouldn't get the kingdom and she'd no longer be married to the hottest man in the kingdom. So she called in her huntsman and instructed him to take Snow into the woods to hunt.
“The huntsman and Snow were friends since Snow was a child, and the man had grown to care very much about--”
“The huntsman's gay.”
“The huntsman is not gay, he's--”
“Thor.”
“Do you want me to tell the story?”
“What are you waiting for?”
“So the huntsman had grown to care a good deal for Snow. He decided that he couldn't kill the young man. So he told Snow the whole story, about how Snow's stepmother wanted him dead, and how the huntsman had been chosen to do it. Snow was completely surprised and shocked at this, and he didn't know what to do. The huntsman told him to flee, to run into the woods and seek shelter there.”
“Snow did. He fled into the woods, using his skills in woodcraft to hide from the evil stepmother and her men. The huntsman had, of course, tried to cover Snow's tracks. He brought forth the heart of a deer, giving it to the Evil Stepmother and insisting it was Snow's. This sort of worked, except the stepmother didn't quite believe it. She had her men keep an eye out, just in case.”
“Man, she's suspicious.”
“Most evil rulers are.”
“Yeah, I mean just look at--”
“No politics! We're already stretching things as is.”
“If you say so.”
“Where were we...”
“Dwarfs.”
“Right, so Snow stumbled onto the cottage of several dwarfs. There were--”
“Thirteen of them! And their names were Fili, Kili, Gloin, Oin-- and you're glaring at me again.'
“Who's telling the story?”
“But... but... dwarfs...”
“There were seven dwarfs, and they all saw Snow and—urr, decided that he looked really awesome.”
“you were going to say that they fell in love with him, weren't you?”
“Of course not. Now, the dwarfs worked with Snow. Together they lived in the woods, hunting and surviving. The dwarfs had a nearby mine where they worked, but that didn't leave much time for food. So Snow would hunt for them, and he proved to be a pretty handy cook as well. Things looked like they might more or less work out, except for one little detail. The stepmother, obsessive personality that she was, found out about the dwarfs and Snow. So she disguised herself, heading to the cottage as--”
“As a withered crone! And she had an apple--”
“That's later.”
“What?”
“First she came as a beautiful maiden, who offered the handsome Snow a beautiful... comb.”
“Comb?”
“That's how the story goes.”
“He gets a comb?”
“Well, it made more sense before you insisted we make Snow a man. Anyway, Snow took the comb, and he used it on his flowing raven locks. Its poison worked immediately. He fell into an enchanted sleep. However, the dwarfs soon came back from the mine. The burliest of them saw that Snow had a comb in his hair and pulled it out. As soon as he did, Snow sprang awake, as awake as ever.”
“Aren't you talking kind of fast—“
“The evil stepmother found out her plan didn't work when she asked her magic mirror, which I forgot till now, for some reason. Anyway, she went to the cottage again---”
“Dressed as a withered old crone! And she had a magical apple. Snow was like 'dude, I love me some apples, especially because I've been eating, like, deer and stuff for weeks,' so he took a bite of the apple and... why aren't you yelling at me or glaring?”
“Well, it seemed like you were enjoying yourself.”
“... but you're supposed to...”
“No, no, go ahead. Tell the story.”
“... it's no fun like this.... why don't you tell it?”
“Are you sure? I'd hate to interrupt.”
“...please?”
“Right, well, Snow took a bite of the enchanted apple. And he fell into a deep slumber. This time, the dwarfs couldn't wake him up. They even tried using the Heimlich maneuver on him, but it just didn't work. In despair, they built a coffin made out of glass. Thus they could look upon the prince's fai---fantastic hotness. They had just finished when a han---beautiful princess rode up on her white horse. The princess took one look at the prince and instantly fell in love.”
“Okay, that so doesn't make sense.”
“He sparkled.”
“Oh, alright then. Continue.”
“Right, so the princess fell instantly in love with him. She hopped down from her horse, and begged the dwarfs to at least allow her one kiss. The dwarfs did so, not wanting to see a beautiful girl cry. The princess leaned in, kissed Snow, and--”
“And he woke up! Then he declared revenge upon the evil stepmother and totally attacked their castle, all with the help of the dwarfs and the princess and this guy with hairy feet. They had a lot of adventures and stuff, and finally they killed the evil stepmother.”
“Right. That. And then they got married and lived happily ever after.”
“See, that's a good story.”
