I've Got No Self Esteem {Door}

[cazaril]

Despite everything that happened today, the only person he knew for sure that he could talk to was Door. He knew he wasn't technically allowed here. He knew if he was caught he'd get into detention, but a part of him scoffed and said if he was a teacher here once, surely he couldn't get detention.

He snuck inside, and up to 102 and knocked on the door, his hair was askew, he looked ashen due to stress and though he had been dressed well it now look more like he'd been in a car wreck. Shirt un-tucked and sticking out and his top button not done up.

"Door please answer, please please please..." he mumbled under his breathe.

He knew it was late, but he couldn't sleep tonight without knowing the truth. Without knowing the fact she knew him as a teacher, as a forty year old man....

Please, please please...

[door]

Door had decided to get ready for bed earlier than usual. The new room was sort of bothering her and she usually had to lie under her bed to get comfortable enough to sleep through the night on the actual mattress. The roommates weren't around at this point in the evening so she was taking advantage of the freedom and had started reading under the four poster.

She heard the knocking at the door and was sort of taken back. She hadn't heard that like...ever. None of them had hosted visitors lately. She wiggled out from under her bed and marked the page in her book. She quickly looked down at her jammies to make sure her tank top covered what it was supposed to and her plaid shorts did their job. They were fine.

Door turned the knob and opened the door, surprised to see Caz. "Hey. Come on in."She smiled warmly and opened the door a bit wider. If he stood out in the hallway, he might get in trouble. After the boy got himself inside, she looked him over. She was going to make a joke about his clothes when she noticed the state that he seemed to be in.

She took a step towards him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay?"

[cazaril]

Door's reaction to him was...well, nice he guessed. She was surprised, and her kind smile settled him, to see a friendly face after such...such a day.

He looked to his shoes, then up again at Door, meeting her square in the face when she stepped forward, his eyes steeling against getting angry, but didn't he have a right?

Or didn't he? Either way, all he knew was that if Cimorene was right...then Door was indeed aware of his past self....and if that was the case, they could put the clues together.

He bit his lip before speaking, trying not to get angry, but it was hard, when all his rage in not understanding was certainly taking it's toll.

"Do you know who I am, Door?" he asked her, his voice rising slightly like the oncoming storm. "Who I used to be?"

[door]

It didn't take someone with any sort of ability or power to see that something was wrong with Caz. Between the external signs and his general aura, it seemed that something was very wrong.

And there it was. Somehow Caz had figured out something about his past...something about the time before. Door had been trying to figure out the spell that was likely used, something that could make his forget all of...well...everything. She had been careful not to mention any of this to Caz - she wasn't sure what this sort of revelation could effect on him (mentally or physically). But here it was.

Door closed the door and turned towards the boy. Those eyes. The one thing that was always the same. She could see how much he needed her to tell him that all of that was just...untrue. That whatever was told to him was utter bunk and that she had the true knowledge. She wanted to lie to him. She wanted to offer him the comfort that he so clearly needed.

She nodded her head.

[cazaril]

Door's nod was enough.

Door's nod was to Caz's mind, worse than anything she could of said, anything she could of pretended to cover, any lie she had been telling him. Whatever it was, his heart sank. He had hoping for a lie, that instead he was just going a little crazy, that the girl, Cimorene had lost her mind...or something.

Instead, this all appeared to be true. He unconsciously stepped back, his mouth opening and closing to speak, but he had no words, brushing her hand off his shoulder and turned from her to reserve himself, reserve the anger - reserve the fear.

He was a man dammit, act like one. "What was he...I mean...I...What was I like...?"

If words could hurt the way physical wounds could, every question felt another stab to the gut. Had he been living a lie all this time? What was the world really like? Were these people even his friends, or just people who knew the truth?

Had he trusted them? How well had he even known them before? Why had the spell happened in the first place...

[door]

Door didn't know what to do. She knew that this was better than lying to the boy, that he deserved to know the truth, but the last thing that she wanted to do was cause this sort of hurt, cause this sort of anger. She reached out, very aware that there was probably not what the boy was looking for, but she did the only thing that she knew how to do.

She hugged him.

She held the boy carefully for a moment, trying to show the sort of utter apology that she couldn't say. She just hugged him tightly, hoping that this gesture could do something, anything to comfort. She pulled away after a moment.

"He um...you..." Door sighed and started again. "Smart. Above everything else, smart. Kind. Warm. The sort of sweet that was just...hard to find."

"Sort of the same as now..."

[cazaril]

He almost jumped out his skin when she hugged him, damm near almost screeched in frustration, but when he took a second to relax, he could feel his heart beating slower, he enjoyed it.

Though, a hug wasn't enough to mend what had broken him, at least it was a start.

"Smart...I'm not smart..." he mumbled, annoyed with himself, he didn't feel he deserved compliments. He wanted to know everything about his older self - literally. What experiences had he had, what people had he met...it was like knowing about you're future, but knowing that it was an alternate one. It felt like someone was trying to tell him that he didn't have a future any more, that he'd already experienced it.

"What happens now then..." he asked, allowed, as much to himself as it was to Door, who he was sure was probably scared of his reaction, as he was still quite tense, and angry looking, even if he just felt shattered on the inside.

[door]

"You are smart." Door ran both her hands over her head and through her hair. She wanted to help but she was so unsure how to help. "I know that this probably doesn't matter but you...there are things about you that could never change, Caz. You're smart and warm and you want to help every person you run into. You just...whatever age or stature or profession...those things aren't going to change.

Door took the boy's hand and led him towards the bed. She let him sit down on the mattress before joining him. She kept her hand over his, unsure how to show her support. He didn't seem to react badly to physical responses so she was going with that.

"There are lots of people around here that can do magic. And real magic, not the sort that I do. The magic teacher around here could probably figure out whatever happened to you and...well...undo it?" Door shrugged her shoulders slightly.

"And I'll tell you whatever you want. Whatever I know, I'll tell you."

[cazaril]

Caz listened, his hands on his knees, buckling down as he tried to think on her words. "Problem is, Door...you knew a different me, who knew different things...what if that man had business he hadn't had finished, or...what if someone did this to him for a reason. I need to know..."

Caz sighed, wearily. "Magic teacher? that sounds like a start...I'll let my friend know too...my friend Cimorene found me today...apparently she knew me when I was...well...normal."

That hurt, but it was true. He certainly wasn't normal now, if he had lived already a normal right of passage. How old had he even been?

"Anyway...I'd like to know...everything you know...please."

[door]

Door sighed. She understood how he could see the situation from that point of view, that Door was remembering some version of Caz that didn't exist anymore. She wanted to tell him that, in a way, that was true. That Door had known a few versions of Caz, none very well. She wanted to tell him that he always seemed to be around and in every version he was smart, kind and noble. She wanted to tell him that, despite not knowing him as well as she would have liked, she knew what sort of man he was.

"I don't claim to have known that other...you...very well. If you want a lot of information about him maybe you should ask Cimorene. I was just a student of yours. I um...I saw something in you that made me want to become closer but...I think I scared you, to be honest." Door looked down to her hands, suddenly very aware of her embarrassment. She had never told anyone that she thought she scared the former professor. She should have just not mentioned it. "I think I've gotten to know you better like this than I did before. You didn't talk about the war or your home or anything. Whatever opinion I have of you is from getting to know the person right in front of me...not someone else. Hell, I didn't even know that you had family before."

Family.

Door sighed again. She could feel her eyes well up but focused her eyes on her hands, counting the scars she had created while at school. She sat as long as it took for her to fight back the tears and summon the strength to continue. She couldn't help but think that she deserved this. She might have...but Caz didn't.

"Um...there was a woman. I don't know her name or really what she even was to you but um...she was important. You loved her, I think."

[cazaril]

Caz had never seen her look so upset (at least, as far as he was aware) and his anger - his desperation at needing to know who he used to be subsided as she started to speak. She sounded like she was being punished by revealing all of this, and that hurt him quite a bit.

He'd just wanted answers, not for her to be upset. Had he really been scared by this young girl as a teacher? Not a lot had scared Caz presently - he was a soldier though the fragility of his memory was a scary thing he couldn't ever imagine being frightened of Door.

She was lovely. Had always been. As far as he was concerned.

When she mentioned the woman, he gave a very gentle nod, considering what she said. Door seemed to get even more miserable then.

"Morgana...I was told the name...apparently I was going to marry her." Caz noted out loud. It was a start. Had something happened there? Though, Mordred had yet to be even mentioned - that he even had a son - Caz at least knew there was something or someone he could look into and find out more.

Caz sighed softly, and he put a hand on her shoulder. "Thank you for telling me all this...If it makes you feel any better...I was rather happy just being me...the me now. But I can't let this go past if it means something terrible has happened. What if the woman I loved is in danger too, or..."

He sighed, "I wish I never found all this out...to be honest."

[door]

Door nodded as the boy admitted to having preferred his life before knowing all of this. How could one blame him for that? If Door found out that she was actually a middle-aged woman with a fiancee and career and what not, she couldn't imagine how she would be handling it. The fact that Caz wasn't contemplating running around and demanding reality from everyone within grabbing distance just made Door respect him more.

"I can't tell you how sorry I am. No one deserves this sort of mental trauma, least of all you. I wish that there was something I could do to make this whole thing easier but..." Door sighed and looked up to Caz, making eye contact for the first time in a long while. "I'll talk to the magic professor, find out what I can. And anyone else I know who has some decent power."

She wanted to offer to find out about Morgana as well but she couldn't quite get the words out. That seemed too personal for her to offer. He should probably make those decisions on his own. Besides, what could she really say to this woman if she did indeed remember Caz?

Door put her own hand on top of the one on her shoulder and squeezed it gently. "I'm sorry." And she was. She was sorry she hadn't told him. She was sorry he had to find out in general. She was sorry that such a kind man had to deal with this crap. She was sorry about all of it. About everything.

[cazaril]

"Door, please stop apologizing"

Caz ran a hand over his face, where a beard would be, or should have been. Whatever the correct term was. "We'll sort this...and...for the record, I don't know how you can be scary. I have fought wars you know...I don't think pretty girls are usually designed to freak me out..."

It was the only thing he could think of to say, feeling his ears flush; certainly Caz was sure that this was a nicer emotion than the one previous. If he could just relax, maybe this wouldn't be that big a deal...right?

He gave her a smile, and rested a hand on hers. "I've bothered you enough tonight...I....I should go..." He swallowed, "I should probably sleep on all this, have some new ideas tomorrow."

[door]

Door barely managed to suppress a chuckle as Caz said that he wasn't afraid of her. Even right now, completely freaking out, he was doing his best to make others feel okay. This was what she had been speaking about when she mentioned knowing the character if Caz, knowing the important things that made him up, that could never change.

He was a good man - no matter the age.

Door squeezed his hand briefly, wanting to apologize again but knowing it was likely frustrating for the boy in front of her. He probably needed time to think things over, to focus on whatever it was that was going to get him through this complete identity crisis.

"Is...is there anything I can do to help you with all this? I mean, I'll talk to the magic professor and we'll come up with something but..." Door offered the boy a small, sad grin. "I can't even imagine how all this must feel and the idea of going through it alone just seems to pile on, you know?"

"Just...know you're no bother, okay? If you need anything, anytime...I'm here."