Text to: Gwyn Locksley

[Costin Dracula]

Please don’t go on the internet.

ever again if you can help it.

[Gwyn Locksley]

Why?

[Costin Dracula]

Someone has posted something dreadful about me and I'm not giving up yet on making you proud of me and this will utterly ruin it.

[Gwyn Locksley]

I hardly think people posting rubbish online will change my opinion of you.

Should I have words with them?

[Costin Dracula]

No, no, you don’t need to give her any trouble. I’m going to send her a cease and desist.

It’s fan fiction?

[Gwyn Locksley]

Fan fiction?

[Costin Dracula]

someone’s written a story in which I’m a...dark and sexy pirate.

she has me in romantic relations with my arch nemesis.

[Gwyn Locksley]

Why would anyone write such a thing? That is just strange, you are not a pirate. People write ballads of the great feats of heroes, they don't just make things up.

[Costin Dracula]

Apparently they do.

It’s not an entirely unflattering portrait, except for the fact that I am written having all this unresolved sexual tension with someone I loathe with all the capacity I have for loathing.

[Gwyn Locksley]

Fan fiction sounds stupid.

Is it the person you loathe writing this? Or someone who loathes you?

[Costin Dracula]

It’s someone else, this girl Lorelei. She invited herself to my table once when I was eating but otherwise I don’t even know her so I don’t know why I’m the hero in her story.

But I’m very afraid of the implications of this, and I think I may have misread a situation and may owe someone an apology.

I hate apologies, Gwyn.

[Gwyn Locksley]

Lorelei? I have recently hired her as my tutor. She is very excitable.

If she is writing you to love someone you loathe, is this some sort of revenge? Did you treat her poorly?

I understand, apologies are terrible.

[Costin Dracula]

The crux of the situation is, I’m not sure she knows I hate this person.

I am afraid the person may have asked her to write this, or given her some reason to.

In which case, I have to find a way to let her down gently because...no.

No, no, no.

[Gwyn Locksley]

So the person you loathe may actually love you?

I take it back. This does sound like the makings of a good ballad.

[Costin Dracula]

Oh no, Gwyn, this is awful. It would be AWFUL. I can’t stand her.