DEAR DARKNESS [Public]

[Costin Dracula]

DEAR DARKNESS

This is advertised as an online advice column - the person answering the submissions simply signs them as "DARKNESS"

Please fill out this submission form if you would like advice on a personal issue or decision.

[b]NAME:[/b] Your name or alias
[b]DEAR DARKNESS:[/b] Your question or matter you would like advice on

[Meredith Emrys-Pendragon]

NAME: Dragon
QUESTION/ISSUE: Someone I really like recently hurt me a lot. A very good friend of theirs has said to give them a chance to explain themselves, but when I did it went horribly wrong. The person in question followed up with something sweet, but the blowing hot and cold is difficult to follow. Should I give them another chance in the hope that there really is something there, or give up before I get my heart broken?

[Eddie Locksley]

NAME: Johnny Weir
DEAR DARKNESS: I recently met a really nice person while I was figure skating, but I never got their name. If anybody knew I did figure skating they would make fun of me, how do I find this girl again without giving away my secret?

[Costin Dracula]

Oct 18, 2017 14:28:09 GMT -5 Meredith Emrys-Pendragon said:

NAME: Dragon
QUESTION/ISSUE: Someone I really like recently hurt me a lot. A very good friend of theirs has said to give them a chance to explain themselves, but when I did it went horribly wrong. The person in question followed up with something sweet, but the blowing hot and cold is difficult to follow. Should I give them another chance in the hope that there really is something there, or give up before I get my heart broken?

Dear Dragon:

Absolutely give up. There is no sense in putting yourself through misery for a stupid relationship that probably won't last anyway (they never do). The best advice I can give you is to either forget them or enact an elaborate plan to get revenge. The only way you're ever going to feel better is if you make them feel as terrible as they made you feel. Make them wish they had never been born. Only then will you really be at peace.

Best Wishes,
DARKNESS

[Costin Dracula]

Oct 18, 2017 14:31:02 GMT -5 Eddie Locksley said:

NAME: Johnny Weir
DEAR DARKNESS: I recently met a really nice person while I was figure skating, but I never got their name. If anybody knew I did figure skating they would make fun of me, how do I find this girl again without giving away my secret?

Dear Johnny:

If people are going to mock you for your hobby, you can't hope for a better hobby to be mocked for than one that involves wearing knives on your feet. Put some shoes on your feet, put your skates on your hands. Walk around in the most crowded place you can find, and wave them over your head. You'll be impossible to miss, and no one will want to bother you, trust me. 

Best Wishes,
DARKNESS

[Mordred Le Fey]

NAME: Sword
DEAR DARKNESS: Your advice is terrible and Dragon should not give up or make that someone feel like they'd never been born because this person is clearly awesome and they'll probably never find anyone quite as incredible as them.

[Jesse]

NAME: Trying
DEAR DARKNESS: I have been trying to make friends. It is not going well. I have tried opening light conversations with jokes but I think I am telling them wrong. I heard that sometimes bringing interesting things with you are good ways to start conversations, so I tried that too. I tried to show one girl my crossbow, it did not end well. Please help.

[Costin Dracula]

Oct 18, 2017 14:43:05 GMT -5 Mordred Le Fey said:

NAME: Sword
DEAR DARKNESS: Dear Darkness,

Your advice is terrible and Dragon should not give up or make that someone feel like they'd never been born because this person is clearly awesome and they'll probably never find anyone quite as incredible as them.

Dear Sword (compensate much?):

You should never have been born.

Best Wishes,
DARKNESS

[Costin Dracula]

Oct 18, 2017 14:44:17 GMT -5 Jesse said:

NAME: Trying
DEAR DARKNESS: I have been trying to make friends. It is not going well. I have tried opening light conversations with jokes but I think I am telling them wrong. I heard that sometimes bringing interesting things with you are good ways to start conversations, so I tried that too. I tried to show one girl my crossbow, it did not end well. Please help.

Dear Trying:

First, find a good friend (perhaps a tree, or a rock with a face painted on it) to practice your jokes on. Make sure they sound good when you say them out loud. Secondly, if you point the crossbow directly at the girl, she will find you absolutely unforgettable. It's not enough to just wave your weapon around, you have to show her you know how to use it. 

Best Wishes,
DARKNESS

P.S. Steer clear of wine.

[Meredith Emrys-Pendragon]

NAME: Dragon
DEAR DARKNESS: Don't you think that if somebody really were awesome and incredible that they wouldn't have done anything so mean in the first place? What kind of revenge would you recommend?

[Mordred Le Fey]

NAME: Sword
DEAR DARKNESS: I have a friend who's desperate to have the full human experience, but it turns out he's absolutely crap with women and I really don't think anyone can help him. How can I tell him he's destined to die a virgin?

[Mordred Le Fey]

NAME: Sword
DEAR DARKNESS: Don't you think that if someone would just accept a perfectly good apology then they might find they aren't so inclined to revenge and might be able to just get on with being happy with the aforementioned awesome incredible person?

[Costin Dracula]

Oct 18, 2017 14:52:02 GMT -5 Meredith Emrys-Pendragon said:

NAME: Dragon
DEAR DARKNESS: Don't you think that if somebody really were awesome and incredible that they wouldn't have done anything so mean in the first place? What kind of revenge would you recommend?

Dear Dragon

I think you are absolutely correct. Here's your course of action:
- Acquire a bottle of hot pepper extract.
- Gain access to this person's room
- Add a generous portion of the pepper extract to every liquid you can find. Lotion, lubricant, wine, shampoo, all of it.
- Wait

Best Wishes
DARKNESS

---

Oct 18, 2017 14:52:31 GMT -5 Mordred Le Fey said:

NAME: Sword
DEAR DARKNESS: I have a friend who's desperate to have the full human experience, but it turns out he's absolutely crap with women and I really don't think anyone can help him. How can I tell him he's destined to die a virgin?

Dear Sword

This inquiry is obviously a hoax because it is an absolutely unrealistic notion that you would have friends. Try again. 

Best Wishes
DARKNESS

[Meredith Emrys-Pendragon]

NAME: Dragon
DEAR DARKNESS: Do you agree that a single note after two separate occasions of horrible meanness does not constitute a 'perfectly good apology' and that somebody wanting to apologise should definitely try harder?

[Mordred Le Fey]

NAME: Sword
DEAR DARKNESS: Don't you think that the appearance of a single note shows a change and an attempt to begin to make amends, and perhaps might just be the start of something more?