I Feel French (Open)

[telemain]

Telemain was feeling very French and very sophisticated. He was sitting in a coffee shop, a copy of Les Miserables open on the table as Telemain carressed his coffee with one hand and leisurely read through the text, his free hand occasionally running through his hair from time to time. He supposed that it was only a matter of time before he would do this; go all high-brow and hipster and plant himself in a coffee shop with a particularly daunting piece of literature. Still, even with all the hipster undertones, it felt good and he felt very smart and...grown up.

Pushing his glasses further up his nose, Telemain stole glance around the room. People were mostly talking to each other or reading the newspaper. The feeling of delicious adult-ness swelled in his chest and he went back to his book, not being able to concentrate on the words at all. Yeah, he didn't need friends--people to hit him whenever he messed up--when he had his mind. No, friends and companions not needed.

Yeah, he needed friends. He was lonely. And not just lonely at that--alone. He craved human companionship like most people craved oxygen, but if his efforts over the past few weeks had been any indication, he wasn't getting any, so he'd better just resign himself to a life of solitude.

[lilo]

Lilo's Guaranteed Alien Detector Radar (or GAYDAR, for short) was showing results that were absolutely off the charts. She'd been using it while she walked through Trenale, convinced, as she had ever right to be, that there were loads of aliens hiding among the average, everyday citizens. People were, in general, quite stupid, and quite likely to overlook aliens in their midst. This is where Lilo, and her GAYDAR (patent pending) came into view.

Right now, it was pointing directly at a cafe, giving her readings that indicated without fail that there was, in fact, an alien of some kind sitting in there.

"I should have known they'd be in there," she said, lowering it and squinting suspiciously into the shop. "Everyone knows that aliens hang out in trendy coffee shops. It's likely sitting in there," her eyes narrowed into dangerous slits, "pretending to be French."

As if an alien in disguise wasn't bad enough: the implication that it would dare pretend to be French as well was almost too much to bear. Lilo burst into the room, throwing aside the door and pointing her GAYDAR (which looked like something of a cross between an old, clunky GameBoy and a megaphone, both of which were likely cannibalized in its creation) directly at the denizens.

"Don't fear, citizens!" declared Lilo in the loudest voice she possibly could. She strode into the cafe, pointing it at various people. "I'm here to reveal---aha!"

She jumped onto a chair and pointed the GAYDAR (patent pending) into the face of a young man who was not only wearing glasses, but also drinking tea and likely very much pretending to be French.

"I know what you really are!" she yelled, thrusting a finger in his general direction. "You can't hide any longer! My GAYDAR has found you out."

Lilo waved the device a few times, mostly for dramatic effect.

[telemain]

While he had been drowning his emo feelings of loneliness in coffee and a great deal of French names in a depressing storyline, Telemain had more of less 'zoned out' on his surroundings. Since coming to Tintagel three years ago, he had discovered that, unless he was in an environment of questionable local color, it was usually quite safe to do this. Anyway, his reading of Eponine whining about how she was on her own was interrupted by someone incredibly entertaining.

A girl, a brunette, and a rather pretty one at that, had just entered the cafe, bursting with energy and the announcement that no citizen need fear. Exactly what they were all supposed to be afraid of was unclear, but Telemain's thoughts stopped in their tracks when the girl pointed a small plastic devise dramatically at him and proclaimed in a carrying voice, "I know what you really are! You can't hide any longer! My GAYDAR has found you out."[/u]

Telemain blinked in shock. He had thought his gaydar was the worst in the school, but apparently, there was someone with even faultier detecting-gay-people-skills. He looked up from his book, took his glasses off and politely addressed her in a perfectly calm voice.

"I am sorry to disappoint you, but last I checked, I was not a homosexual. Now, may I help you with anything?"

[lilo]

Lilo looked at Telemain as though he'd just sprouted antlers and declared himself the second son of Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Actually, that's not quite true; she would have attempted to mount a reindeer.

"I never said you were!" she protested. She waved the device, which made these strange, staticy whooping noises every time it swept by Telemain. Lilo hopped down from the table, walked slowly around Telemain, and waved the GAYDAR in his general direction. "These readings are off the charts though, and you know you can't argue with readings. Plus, look at the facts. You're sitting in a cafe, looking like you used about three cans of something to keep your hair like that, and you're looking as though you're pretending to be French. Plus, it looks like you're wearing the latest fashions."

Lilo waved the GAYDAR a few more times, before nodding and pointing her finger at Telemain again. "There can be only one conclusion! You are, in fact..." she paused for dramatic effect, turning back and tucking her pointing arm back against her side. When she turned, she pointed with the finger in a pose that she may or may not have stolen from a popular internet meme: "AN ALIEN!"

In Lilo's mind, there was dramatic music. In real life, people were coughing awkwardly.

[telemain]

The intruder went onto describe how Telemain was conforming to the gay stereotypes held up by a many and out and proud homosexual young man and he merely blinked, completely unfazed. People thought he was gay all the time and it never really bothered him, but for some reason, the others always used it as an insult, (and he still didn't grasp the concept of why it was supposed to be so insulting) but this random girl didn't seem like she was using 'gay' as an insult: it seemed like she was absolutely convinced that he was as gay as the Fourth of July -- and they hadn't even been properly introduced!

She concluded her dramatic speech with the undeniable proclamation that Telemain was, in fact, an alien. This left the young magician utterly confused. Was he gay or other terrestrial? There was only one way to find out: converse with the loony-bin escapee...and maybe ask her to take him to her leader for good measure.

"So am I gay or extra terrestrial? Alien or merely homosexual? The answer could take weeks. They both ID with Lady Gaga and want to probe your ass-cheeks."

[lilo]

"What!?" Lilo said, somehow turning the word into something taking multiple syllables and taking at least two octaves. "That's just---first off," she held up a finger, "Lady Gaga is totally an alien. Everybody knows that. Second," another finger, "I still never said you were a homosexual. I said you were an alien, and your clever ruse is the whole... well, this," she gestured to all of him. "Third, you need to stay away from my butt. I'm heavily armed, and I can scream."

Man, Lilo needed to start carrying a whistle or something. It always felt like people were threatening her young person with various things of a manner that did not bear thinking about. Realizing that the conversation/revelation/witch hunt had been derailed, Lilo again struck her pose and thrust her GAYDAR in Telemain's general direction. It squealed a few more times in a manner generally reserved for indicators of radioactive waste.

"You're clearly an alien of some kind! So confess, and come quietly! Else I'll get my laser," lied Lilo. She technically has a laser. It was also broken. Really broken. and in her room. In parts. On the floor. It might also have been Jumba's laser.

She was still armed though.

[telemain]

Telemain blinked. Well...this was...hmm... He couldn't very well say 'no', to her, could he? Could he? As entertaining as it could be, he didn't fancy getting a lazer shone in his eyes or an angry...lunatic going all greasy wizard on his well-educated arse, so he decided to play along with her, to keep people from staring, more than they already were.

He put his hands in the air and let out a relenting sigh.

"Alright, you got me! I am an alien and a homosexual. I enjoy probing humans and drooling over football teams. I have been studying your planet for some time now and I have decided that it is time to invaaaaddddeee because I want your natural resources! Or at least, that's what my purebred Shih Tzu who lives in my pink-sequined designer handbag thinks!"

Really, she had the wrong person. If she wanted to interrupt someone's reading, she should go for Kay. He might even think it to be funny. That and...did he even read at all? Whatever...the point was, he was now being kidnapped by an asylum escapee, who would probably drag him to the Grayle Corporation, who would probably say, "uhh...that's our intern". Then everyone would apologize and Telemain would have to finish reading about French people with very French names doing even more French things, only in the madhouse called his dorm.

He grabbed his book and shoved it into his bag before hopping down from the stool and approaching her with caution, his hands still raised before saying, in the flattest possible voice,

"Take me to your leader."

He should get an Oscar for this acting.

[lilo]

This usually didn't happen. The aliens never came out and actually admitted they were aliens. Okay, Jumba and Pleakley had technically done exactly that, but then again, they'd also been, well, kind of obvious. This guy's disguise was loads better than anything Jumba had cooked up (maybe not Pleakley, that guy had a way with wigs that was eerily surprising). Still, Lilo just didn't know what to do, and mostly ended up staring at him for a few seconds. Then, her brain (and likely her Lilo-ness) kicked in:

"You have a Shih Tzu in a bag!? That's--only aliens would dare do something like that!" she pointed a finger of accusation at him. Why yes, she did have problems picking up on other people's sarcasm, despite being remarkably adept at wielding it herself. She was now glaring at Telemain through slitted eyes, every inch of her promising potential pain for the magician.

"You'd better come quietly, or else I'll---I'll---I'll shave your head," it was the best punishment that Lilo could think of for a gay alien, really. She reached behind her, producing something that likely wanted very much to be handcuffs. They looked to be made mostly out of metal, with bits of plastic almost seeming to be woven in. Lilo stared at them for a few moments, before shrugging and reaching up to try and put them on Telemain's wrists. Thankfully, Lilo was remarkably small for her age.

"Um, could you bend over?" she asked, rocking back down to her heels and looking up at him. "It's kind of hard to apprehend you when your hands are in the air like that>"