Keep Calm and Carry On (Open)

[cazaril]

Being eighteen is a difficult enough time, in most universes. Caz was sure of this because of the different people he knew at eighteen - those that loved without being loved in return. Those that wanted to be so successful academically they forgot to live. Those who had more important things than school to consider, whether that be having to marry a prince - or well... got to war or become a king.

He was sure, that was enough reason for eighteen to be hard, but for Caz, this moment, this uncertain moment in his life he wasn't sure who he was, who he was supposed to be.

So people claimed he was another man. Claimed he was older, (they'd specified a beard - and a teacher, so that was surely old enough) and that he was engaged...This information alone was enough to make him crazy with worry, with anxiety about what he was supposedly doing here.

He had been sure he'd been here because Chalion had sent him, but from what he'd been working out was that was far from the truth....

He'd been having dreams too, and they weren't nice...dreams that were buried or memories, perhaps. Caz didn't have the savvy to know. But he knew at the moment, he wasn't sure who he was supposed to be. Why he was even here, and even if he had friends, and he did...why were they friends with him?

That was the most curious question. Lottie was the odd one out, because she had never seemed to have met him before, but Door and Cimorene had been determined to be around him - or seek to help him...and well...he was just lost with worry.

People kept telling him it was going to be all right, but he was afraid that nothing would be able to go back to the way things were.

"This is ridiculous" he mumbled to himself, into that mornings toast. Classes and academics feeling like miles away now. "Why do I even bother trying?"

[door]

Door hadn't been sleeping that well lately which had acquainted her very well with the Mess Hall. She had gotten a lot of coffee there and, while it wasn't as good as the coffee at her work, it still did the trick. So she started to hang in the mess more and more.

She spotted Caz sitting alone. He looked so...completely gone. Door sighed and turned back towards her tray. They hadn't spoken since the night he showed up at her dorm. She had been trying so hard to find a way to help they boy but it just wasn't working out the way she hoped it would. Her own research wasn't going too well which made it hard to keep that optimism up but she was doing her best to maintain her usual cheery attitude.

She was tempted to go sit with him, to keep the boy company, but she figured he was probably hoping to have some time alone. She tried to put herself in his position and, if she had gotten that sort of information, she was pretty sure that she would want to be alone. No, no it would probably be a mistake to interrupt him in any major way.

It was just also be rude to not say hello.

Door finished picking out her food and paid. She headed over towards the otherwise empty table. She wanted to say something that would be encouraging or supportive or funny or just...she wanted to do something to take his mind off the massive information for one bloody second.

She picked up one of the two cupcakes off her lunch tray and set it on the table in front of Caz and smiled a half-smile.

[cazaril]

Cazaril was surprised to see Door, and the cupcakes. Though he had nothing else to say to her, nothing to help her with.

He looked to the cupcake, and picked up gingerly, looking at it as though it was some rare artefact. "I used to remember thinking that I had no fondness for cupcakes...but then remembered, that then I remembered that I surely couldn't have tried one before..."

He sighed, his eyes closed. "The more I think about it...the more I realize that I don't really know who I am..." he creased a lopsided half smile in Door's direction and gave her a gesture so she could sit down.

"I think I've decided, that even if I recall not liking cupcakes, doesn't mean I can't find out for myself..."

He bit into the cupcake, gave Door a panicked look, and set the half eaten chocolate goodness down. "Or maybe, it was better not to bother. I don't like cupcakes plain and simple..."

Yeah, even Caz's brain was talking riddles to him at the moment.

[door]

Well, that had gone splendidly. At least she had gotten a smile out of him.

"I just figured that...well...I like cupcakes. Whenever I need to make myself feel better it's um..." Door lifted the chocolate cupcake on her tray with her free hand. "Cupcakes or hiding under my bed." She had mentioned that to Caz once before. It felt weird to say it in public. "I mean, I know that this couldn't really help but..." She shrugged.

Door set her tray down but stayed standing. She wanted to say that, as hard as it was to keep the faith, he had to. That she would find a way to help him and that they would get him back to the person he once was. But she also wanted to tell him that he might be like this for a while and...maybe that was okay? All teenagers didn't know who they were and some of the teenaged stuff was fun and...

She felt stupid just thinking it.

"At least now you're sure of something about yourself, right? You are Cazaril and you hate cupcakes."

[cazaril]

Cazaril turned to look at Door, his eyes went a little odd for a moment, creasing as he tried to content just how nice it was that someone actually cared that he didn't like cupcakes and that that was okay.

And he found himself starting to laugh, whilst wiping tears from his face. "That I am, the most horrid hater of them" he told her, still laughing, he was actually sure it was more of a hysterical laugh,

"Look at me, all I've done is whine about myself, and the universe is so much bigger. I'm even starting to talk like an old man now." He said wiping his face still. Trying to get himself to stop the want to cry - again.

"How are you?"

Any news that didn't relate to him would be nice, wouldn't it?

[door]

Door smiled, happy to elicit some sort of happy reaction from Caz. She sat down beside the boy and slid a napkin over towards him. She wasn't sure what to do at the point. She hated to see Caz cry but it was pretty clear that it was something the boy needed to do. Whether he was saying it was from laughter or sadness, Door was willing to bet that it was something he needed to do a long time ago.

"Don't stress. I understand. You're having a crisis of identity. It's okay by me." She shrugged her shoulders, trying to explain herself but deciding to abandon the endeavor instead. She was no good at explaining herself anymore.

"Me? I'm fine," she lied. What was the point of telling him that she was stressed out? That she was worried about him and his life? That she was feeling powerless and having her own identity crisis. No point.

[cazaril]

Caz settled a little, she had a nice smile after all, and his eyes drifted up from the table once his laughing fit had quietened, his fingers spasmodic around the napkin as he tried to think straight.

"Of course it's okay by you...you've been...a good a friend as any I could ask for."

He watched her carefully out of the corner of his eye before sighing, "You don't look fine, and a normal person would of probably left someone like me alone after being all weird about cupcakes."

He put his hand over the top of hers on the table. "You...sure there's nothing you want to tell me?"

[door]

When Caz put his hand on her's, she looked up at him and smiled carefully. She knew how she looked. She looked worn down and sad and had lacked a lot of the cheer that most would consider quintessential Door. She didn't want to admit that the problems she was having were amplified by some of his.

That being said, she was a very very bad liar.

"I'm just not feeling very strong about who I am right now." She offered with a wider, but still sad, smile. "I'm not used to be bad at things and it would appear that I'm being sort of bad at everything right now. She looked down at the table, moving her eyes away from Caz's. She didn't have a hard time being open with the boy but the last thing she wanted to do was add to his troubles. She had enough to worry about, right?

"Sorry." She shrugged her shoulders. The word was more loaded than the conversation might suggest.

[cazaril]

Caz watched her, and for a miniute it wasn't sure what he was thinking, the expression suggested he was listening carefully, but whether he understood or had a reply it wasn't quite sure. If anything it seemed a little vacant.

Then he replied, his hand resting on hers tightened. "You're not bad at talking to me." He said, "You're not bad at trying to keep me at ease, you're not bad at trying to make me feel better about myself. You're not a bad at all. far from it, Door"

He found himself running his thumb over the back of her hand without thinking about it. "You're good for me. When I've needed someone around you're been here...and I'm grateful, and I hope that I can return that favour...."

He laughed, an uneasy but sort of soft laugh, as he rested his head a little, unable to meet her face. "I'm glad you're my friend Door, you're not bad at that at all. I can promise that."

[door]

Door couldn't help but smile. There was something about Caz that revitalized her and made her feel like maybe she was doing something right. At the moment, when she felt so low and so broken, it meant a lot for her to hear such sweet words from someone she cared so totally about.

Her body slacked slightly, her shoulders lowered and she exhaled sharply. She wished she didn't feel so damn broken at the moment so could actually enjoy this. But she took the win where she could and offered the man a small grin.

"I can't tell you what that means to me, Caz. Really."

[cazaril]

Caz's gaze was soft and for a moment he felt like the boy he should be, at least to look at, the boy about to turn 18, at a school with his friend who he cared about, talking about life and deep thoughts on the future and the past.

"Well, I'm glad that it means something to you at all, Door." It suddenly occurred to Caz that he was slightly jealous that she would have this memory, forever...and he wasn't sure what was going to happen if they did fix this issue of his, would it take away all of his present memories? Of class, of Tintagel - Of Lottie and Door? Of Cimorene all over again and have them replaced with the old memories that he now didn't know?

What kind of a fix would that be? He didn't know if he liked that at all...He fought the downing thought, squeezed her hand and stood. "I...should probably go..."

He suddenly felt very out of it, and very upset, and very unsure, but he kept that mask as best he could.

[door]

For a moment she thought she felt something there. A spark, a light, something internal that became clear to Door. For one, brief shining moment it was in the forefront of her mind and she was glad to be there to observe it. For a single moment, she felt very very lucky.

But it was gone instantly, Caz was pulling away and standing up. She felt like she had been hit with a truck rather suddenly. She furrowed her brow as she looked up at him, wanting to ask him to stay. But he was having enough issues without a seventeen year old girl getting silly.

"Um. sure. Right. I-if you need anything, you know where I live." She shrugged. Not even a chocolate cupcake was going to make her feel better at this point.