Let's Talk It Over (Gwen & Marian)

[Guinevere]

Now Gwen was utterly confused.

“Gone after who?” she asked only wrapping her arms around the girl a little tighter as she sobbed, “what was an accident and who is djaq? Oh no wait I remember. That was the girl, one of Robin’s lot, yes I remember her, I think we talked briefly at the wedding, poor sense of style, lovely girl though. Which isn’t important right now, sorry.”

Turning to face her friend she lifted the girls chin so that she could look at her face and gave Marian her most ‘ I’m being serious’ face and said in a dangerously low tone, “Why would you have needed to see a doctor Marian? I think you better tell me everything now…and I promise I will not take immediate drastic action. I cannot promise for anything in the future however.”

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Despite everything, and although it sounded strange and strangled through her tears, Marian couldn’t help but chuckle a bit. Leave it to Gwen to remember and associate someone based on their sense of fashion. That little moment of normalcy, the reminder of how things had once been between them, seemed to calm the sobbing woman, finally allowing her to get at least somewhat in control.

She knew that look, the one Gwen was giving her now, and she knew it was time to confess. Leaning back a bit, Marian wiped her eyes and took a few hitched breaths.

“There was an accident, it was all entirely my fault,” she began a bit quickly. Guy may have wielded the knife, but she still felt certain he had not really intended to inflict such a wound, but not as certain as she was that he would not have raised a hand against her had he known it was her. Guy of Gisborne was many things, but he had always been kind and affectionate towards her, or as much as he could be.

“I was injured,” she continued. Lowering her head, Marian hesitantly lifted the hem of her shirt to reveal the scar concealed beneath. It had thinned and faded slightly over the past year, but it was still quite prominent on her otherwise unblemished skin. She took another deep, shuddering breath. “It was deep, there was a lot of blood, but you know me, and how stubborn I can be,” a wry chuckle, “I would not allow them to take me to the hospital and Djaq did the best she could. I survived, but there were possible complications that I was too scared to get checked.”

Djaq and Robin were the only two people that knew of her fears, and even with Gwen it was the last thing she wanted to discuss, as if talking about it might make it real. Of course their current rocky relationship did not help either.

“I have been working at the hospital for the past few months now and at first I thought I had contracted influenza, or some other temporary illness, but the sickness is not letting up. It may be getting worse.” Finally she looked back up at Gwen. “Could it be an infection more than a year later? Or something else?”

[Guinevere]

If the girl wasn’t clearly already distressed Gwen would be hitting her around the head right about now. Instead she hugged the girl all the tighter, holding her close and making sure she was alright, she would chastise her later, when she was feeling better, and she would be feeling better, Gwen would see to that. Looking at the girl she could help but say in a slightly annoyed tone, “Accident? Oh yes, that definitely sounds like an accident. Oh Marian.”

She shook her head and continued, “You and your stubbornness. You should have gone to the hospital, better yet you should have gone to Merlin, he could have fixed it.”

Listening to the girls ailments though Gwen wasn’t convinced that it was some kind of illness, indeed it wasn’t the first thing she thought of when facing the newlywed. The Queens of the Summer Country took an active part in the health of their subjects, learning the arts of healing and medicine from a young age, and Guinevere was no different. Taking in what was wrong with the girl and observing certain…changes that the girl had gone through…she was drawing conclusions.



Smiling she said, “I…I don’t think it’s anything like that Marian…you have been sick for a while? Or rather throwing up for some time? And, well you’re a little more emotional than normal, not that I think you’re normally so cold but you don’t usually wear your emotions on your sleeve…and well...you were recently married and since you haven’t been staying up and watching girly movies with me I can only assume you and Robin have been…doing something else…Oh to hell with tact, Marian, I’m too hungover, I think you’re pregnant.”

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Marian could not say that she had not considered the option. She trusted Merlin, and had seen his ability and confidence in his magic grow in the time since she had known him, but in the end she had not gone to him for the same reason she had not told Gwen. She did not believe him to be one for revenge, or to act so impulsively, but he did hold great power and with the right motivation, or influence from someone he cared for and trusted, there was no telling what he could have done.

“I did not wish to bring either of you into this, for everyone’s sake,” she spoke quietly. She knew how feeble it sounded, her excuses had grown so thin over time even she could barely believe them anymore. It was all true, her reasoning, her wanting to protect those she cared for, but probably more than that there were the reasons she hated to admit, the fear and shame she felt. Had the injury been any less severe she would have told no one.

That hardly mattered now, though, face with her new predicament. Daring to meet Gwen’s eyes when she asked her opinion, she was startled to find her friend smiling. She listened to the explanation, the evidence her friend was laying out, and even she had to admit that it was true. She had always been one to bottle her emotions and to unleash them in anger or spite instead of tears. This, right here... this was not her, not how she normally acted at least. She was never one to cry so openly and unbidden in front of another, yet here she had been sobbing all over the girl who, until a few minutes ago, seemed to want nothing to do with her anymore.

Gwen was not finished, though, and Marian could not help but blush at the mention of how she and Robin spent her nights. Wiping her eyes again of any lingering tears as a distraction, she suddenly froze when Gwen blurted out her diagnosis. This time it was not said cruelly, not said to hurt her; it was an honest assuption.

Now Marian was not dim, she knew the signs, but she had not been allowing herself to even think of the possibility, let alone hope for it. For far too long the shadow had hung over her head that there was a chance she would never bear children, all because of her own impulsiveness and stupidity. It was a fear she could not bring herself to confirm or deny. To go to the hospital she could have easily found her fears to be unwarranted, but they could have just as easily been confirmed, and she would rather be left wondering than to know for certain that she was barren.

“I had thought...” she started, taking another deep breath. “Nothing felt right afterwards. There were complications, and I feared...” even now, after all this time, it was still hard to admit aloud. “There is the chance I can never have children.” She blurted it out quickly, like ripping off a bandage, but even as she said it she couldn’t help the change in her tone. It was not said with conviction, or even with fear. Underlying all of it, there was a distinct note of hope that she could be completely wrong, and that Gwen, looking through unbiased eyes, was right.

[Guinevere]

It made sense. After such an injury, it’s position, complications, of course there was a chance that she might never be able to have her own children. And she could understand the girls fear of finding out the truth, not just for her own happiness but…well…she knew the effect it would have on her friend. It was a terrible thing for any woman to find out, from any time, place or culture, but in the world that Marian came from, the way women were perceived there…if she could not have children her purpose lessened. Guinevere didn’t find this hard to understand, as she came from a world were the women were the life givers, bearers of life, a gift so special that every woman that did was cared for, even at times, by the Queen. Although in the world that Guinevere was from, even if a woman could not give birth, she would still be useful, she would still have a point in society as her opinion, skills and worship was still important. Most went in to caring for the orphan children or joined the priestesses that worshipped the goddess. But Gwen understood why the woman would be fearful.

Despite this new piece of information she still didn’t think it would make a difference to what she thought. All the signs were there and Gwen had been taught from a young age to recognise them. She even figured, that if things were really desperate, she probably had ascertained enough knowledge about childbirth to be a fairly competent midwife, although she never really wanted to test that theory. Gwen smiled and hugged her friend all the tighter.

“Complications there may have been Marian, but I really don’t think you should give up hope,” she said trying to look her friend in the eye, “the first thing we need to do, is go see a doctor…either way…you need to know, for your own peace of mind. I’ll come with you, we’ll go see her together.”

It was a ‘Her’ because Gwen couldn’t quite come to terms with the fact that men had anything to do with women and childbirth. What did they know about a woman’s body, about they felt, how they responded or rejected certain things, how could they ever possibly understand the miracle of birth? Their part was over early, and that’s all they were really needed for during the 9 months. The women took care of everything else, which was why she probably didn’t feel the need to remind Marian that if she was pregnant she might want to tell Robin, or ask Robin to come to the doctors.

Gwen stood up and held her hand out to Marian to help her up too, “Although before we do any of that, we’re going back in to that restaurant and you’re having some breakfast, and I am going to nurse the rest of this hangover."

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Even though she was not entirely convinced, and she would not let herself get her hopes up, Marian couldn’t help but feel reassured by Gwen’s words. Pulling back from the embrace she nodded slowly, wiping at her tear streaked cheeks. When her friend offered to go with her, though, she almost started crying again. Well, Gwen was certainly right about her hormones and emotional state.

“Thank you,” Marian said softly, meaningfully. “For being here for me... for helping me... for everything. There is so much I do not know how I would have gotten through without you.”

And she meant it. From that first day they had met, playing mini-golf on the cruise ship, Gwen had given her strength, advice, and had not allowed her to hide any longer. There was a chance she might have gone back to Nottingham to nurse her broken heart, unable to remain here with the chance of seeing Robin with someone else, if not for Marian and Merlin. She owed them so much.

Taking her friend’s hand, Marian got to her feet. “I can only try,” she said with a bit of a chuckle. She felt she could possibly eat something now, but to finish all she had ordered she might need some help.

((C’est finis?))