Family Ties (baby bro)

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The eyes? Yeah Nikolay could believe that. Sure Arkady’s ability to charm the hind legs of a horse might be part of it as well but the eyes certainly helped. Not that he didn’t love his brown eyes, maybe not as exciting or as pretty as his mothers but still nice enough to get back. There was a warmth to them that Arkady’s blue eyes didn’t have at times, a lovely blue that could turn icy and cold at a moments notice and had been known to do so. His expression may be seriousness but all the warmth and caring was there in his eyes.

Well that thought was even just a little too flowery for him and inwardly grimaced. Yeah, that was just a nice way of wishing how much he had his mother’s eyes.

Nikolay did not laugh, he folded his arms, “Arkady, that man nearly died of an asthma attack. And I had to go in to the butchers the next day and face him.”

He didn’t decide to ad the part where it was his mother who had forced the money into his hand and demanded he went round and bought the sausages they didn’t need to appease the butcher. He also didn’t mention that he had stood there for an hour apologising and attempting to placate the butcher from not only returning to his vendetta against Arkady, but from waving the dangerous knife over his head as well.

“Why is it, when you do something, you get away with it and I face the consequences?” said Nikolay just a little huffily.

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Arkady had though, for just a moment there, that they could share a memory and laugh and maybe even end this conversation on decent terms so he wouldn’t have to worry about his brother brooding all evening about how to best attack him when he got back. After all, Nikolay had relayed the memory in the first place, and not in what had seemed like an accusing way. Turns out it was all a trap, just bait to give him some false sense of security, to egg him into laughing about it all, just so the rug could be pulled out from under him and he could be left looking like a jerk.

He stopped laughing.

“Whatever, that’s his own fault. Nobody told him to chase me,” Arkady replied flippantly, getting to his feet. Grabbing his jacket, he slipped it on. He was done with this. He was tired of his family always pointing out his shortcomings and his faults, of them trying to make him feel guilty all the time about everything he did or didn’t do. They always acted so put upon just having to deal with him; he was always such a disappointment to them. A disappointment to his parents, a burden and source of resentment to his brother, and he didn’t even want to consider what Natalya thought of him considering how he treated her the past few years. It was probably a good thing they had sent him away, they had probably enjoyed life much better without him around, but then why send Nikolay here? They all had to be much happier without him.

“Because you always do it. You are the good son,” Arkady replied with no lack of bitterness in his voice. His expression, his eyes, had grown cold and hard, and he turned and headed for the door. Maybe Nikolay always ended up dealing with the consequences of Arkady’s actions, but he was wrong if he thought his older brother got off scot free. There were only so many black marks a soul could take before there was nothing left untouched. “And they know you will always be there to clean up my messes.”

He threw those words over his shoulder as he opened the door.

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He hadn’t meant for the conversation to turn so bitter so quickly, it had just done so, as it had so many times in the past. They couldn’t get through one conversation without one of them picking a fight, or storming off, or saying things they didn’t mean. Arkady was the hot tempered one, but it didn’t mean he was the only one. Nikolay tried to keep himself calm but his brother made it so difficult at times. He wondered if that’s how Akrady felt at times, that he was deliberately trying to provoke him till he got angry. In fact, that was probably how Arkady always felt, with the world being too hard on him, that he wasn’t bad the world just didn’t understand him…yeah, that was Arkady. Always blaming someone else.

And now it was his turn.

Well he didn’t come all this way just to be snapped at, especially when he didn’t want to come in the first place. He wanted to stay at home, he was happy with his life there and never wanted anything more. He was content…now there was all this opportunity. Maybe he could make something of his life, get an education, get a decent paying job, get his family a good house, meet a girl…settle down…

But then there would be Arkady…his brother, his responsibility, he would always have to follow him around.

It made him tired just thinking about it. There was no bright future for him, there was only an endless career in caring for his older brother with the bad attitude and the even worse reputation.

Not moving from where he sat, and not raising his voice he said, “Because you are my brother.”

He looked up at his brothers back and said, “When are you going to realise it doesn’t have anything to do with being the good son or the bad son? I don’t do this out of any kind of goodness. I do it because you’re family. And I care about you. Because they care about you. They love you…”

‘more than me’ he didn’t add. Arkady would only deny it but the proof was there. And sometimes, when Arakdy was…what he liked to think as more himself…he could see why.

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Stopping in the doorway, his hand still on the doorknob, Arkady didn’t turn but he did listen. Closing his eyes and lowering his head, he let the words wash over him. Love; he wasn’t even sure he knew the meaning of the word anymore. It was on par with happiness, and left the same hole in his life. He had been happy once, and he had loved his parents and his siblings, but weren’t all children that way? So trusting and unassuming, never for a moment even considering that everything he knew was wrong, that his whole life had been built on a lie, a cover up.

His parents had lied to him and betrayed him and it was just something he couldn’t let go. He could have been so much more but they had held him back. They had chosen a miserable life of poverty and now he had to live with that choice. They had been selfish and now he had to pay for it.

“They don’t love me,” Arkady replied, turning his head just slightly to glance back over his shoulder out of the corner of his eye. “Because I’m their son they have to love me, and maybe they still love who I was, or who they want me to be, but they don’t love me. Not who I really am.”

He tried to ignore the little voice in his head, that nagging voice that just begged to ask the question that he wasn’t sure he could answer: who was he?

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Oh please,” grumbled Nikolay before he could stop himself, he really did want to avoid this, but all his natural instincts were telling him to keep going, “Aren’t you tired of this self pitying indulgence yet? I really thought this place had made you grow up, just a little bit. They, love, you. It’s not about who you were or who you think they want you to be, they love you. They would do anything for you because you’re their son, because they want what’s best for you even if you cant see that now.”
 
Nikolay stood up, clenching his fists and trying to stare his brother down despite being just the slightest bit terrified that he might actually lunge for him. They had been know to fight not just with words. “You might be a terrible son, you might try their patience and annoy them, but they still love you. I think you cant handle it, cant understand it. You’re so full of this self pitying, woe is me, no one gets me rubbish that you can get past your own self importance.”
 
He was shouting now which was never a good thing, Arkady was going to lose it, he was going to lose it and things would not go well for Nikolay, “Why don’t you grow up so maybe Mama and Papa can think about Natalya and I for bit? Instead of clearly wasting their time on you!”

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He should have just walked out. He shouldn’t have let his brother goad him into this conversation. He should have thrown off some sarcastic comment or joke and just walked out, but now it was too late. He could feel the anger bubbling up inside of him; anger at his brother, at his parents, at himself. Nikolay was always so self righteous, the martyr, the selfless one, and now finally Arkady was making something of himself, he finally had a plan to get what he wanted, and now he was getting dragged back into the same old family drama. Why couldn’t they all just leave him alone?

His hand tightened on the door handle as Nikolay’s voice got closer and louder. He closed his eyes, clenched his jaw, ground his teeth, but none of it helped. He didn’t want to hear it, he didn’t believe it, it didn’t matter. It didn’t change anything. Whether they thought loved him or not it didn’t matter. This was all their fault; all of it. They knew why he acted the way he did, they knew they had driven him to it, yet they did nothing to try to rectify it. Maybe there were no Romanovs left, maybe there was nothing left for them to claim now, but she didn’t even try.

And Nikolay was still shouting, finally getting to the root of the problem: he was jealous. He wanted Arkady out of the picture just as bad as Arkady himself wanted out. Although it was no surprise, it still stung a little.

As predicted, Arkady lost it. Slamming the door shut again, he turned quickly and grabbed his brother by the front of the shirt. “Always so self righteous, always better than me. We come from the same gutter, Niki, and they all look down on you just as much,” he seethed, blue eyes wide and boring into his brother’s. “Mama and Papa sent me away, they sent me here so I’m out of their hair, so why don’t you go back home where you can have them all to yourself. If I’m such a waste of time then leave me alone. I’m fine here without any of you.”

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He didn’t know why he was still surprised when his brother grabbed him. He had expected it, in a way he had been provoking him to do it and yet he was still surprised. He always forgot how strong Arkady was sometimes, for someone who never did much work he really had quite a grip. Maybe it was all that running away, jumping over walls and fences, maybe that helped him out. Nikolay grabbed at his hands trying to pull them off his shirt to no avail. He might work harder but he just wasn’t as strong.

He glared at his brother and said, “I don’t care what they think. Unlike you I’m not ashamed of where I come from! Our parents work hard to give us everything! I work hard and I’m proud of that! They sent you here to help you, and they sent me here to keep an eye on you because the care about you so damn much! I had to leave everything to come and watch your back! I didn‘t want to come!”

Nikolay continued to pull on his brother’s hands, but nothing he did seemed to help so he did the only thing he could. He kicked his shins, hoping that would be enough to make his brother let him go.

“And don’t call me Niki.”

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Cursing loudly in French when Nikolay kicked him, Arkady released his hold on his brother and stooped to grab his shin. Rubbing his leg, he raised his head enough to glare at his brother through the dishevelled hair that hung in his eyes.

“Still fight like a girl, I see. I bet even Natalya could kick your ass,” he growled, his grin not even coming close to reaching his eyes. It didn’t last long, though. Standing straight again, the fake smile turned into something much darker, crueler.

“So what does that say about them, huh brother? How long and hard do you think they thought about it before tearing you away from the life you loved and sending you here? Do you think they even considered the possibility that you wouldn’t want to come? Do you think they cared either way?” Arkady spoke, his voice cold and mocking. There had always been a competition between the brothers, whether it was recognized or not. Originally it had been more friendly, fun even, but then they had found out the truth about their heritage and had handled it in very different ways. Nikolay had accepted it and continued with his life; Arkady had not. He had started to draw lines, build walls, and the competition became more personal, more destructive. For every bad thing he did Nikolay seemed to do something good. The younger boy was the golden child, doing everything he was asked without question, always helpful, loving, and just so damn good while all Arkady caused was anger and heartache. It had been easy for the older brother to get it into his head that their parents loved Nikolay more.

It wasn’t until this moment that he realized that his brother felt the exact opposite; that it was he, Arkady, that loved the most.

Even if he didn’t believe it, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t use it for ammunition.

“When you get your first letter from them here, what do you think they’ll ask first?” he took a step closer to Nikolay, his eyes practically dancing with a sort of cruel satisfaction. “Do you think they will ask if you like the place, if you’ve settled in, and how you’re liking your classes? Or will they just skip it and ask about me?”

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When Arkady released him he took a few steps back, recoiling from his brother, raising his fists just in case his brother followed up the release with a right hook to his face. But it never came, instead he stood there mocking him, there was so much his brother didn’t understand. They would never find out if Natalya could kick his arse because she would never have reason too, he would never give her reason too. Arakady on the other hand…she would never have to fight because Nikolay would never allow it.

He winced as he spoke about their parents, the horrible thing being that he was probably right. They cared, they did, they probably thought this was an amazing opportunity for him, that it gave him a chance to get a real education, to give him some freedom…so long as he looked after his brother and kept him out of trouble. Yeah, they probably didn’t think before they sent him here, but they did care.

Nikolay stared his brother down and said angrily, “They’ll ask about you. They’ll want to make sure that you’re still alive because you would never write to them yourself. They’ll want to know you’ve not got yourself into even more trouble and landed up in prison!”

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The more angry Nikolay got, the quicker Arkady’s anger faded. It was really the only thing that kept them from killing each other over the years. Arkady could only be pushed so far before he exploded, but if he was winning the argument, so to speak, and obviously getting under his opponent’s skin then he could reign in that anger and focus on pushing the other person over the edge. Or, in the case of his brother, he could attempt to diffuse the situation... or give the appearance that that was what he was trying to do.

“Is that all?” he queried, raising his eyebrows. His leg wasn’t hurting so much now, but he was sure to have quite the bruise later. Standing back up, he straightened his jacket and ran a hand through his hair. “I’ll tell you what, little brother. Since I care so much and just hate to see you so miserable, I’m going to make you a deal.” He paused for effect, putting n his best ‘sincere, caring older brother’ look, although his eyes still held a hint of mischief. “I will write to mama and papa and tell them just how great I’m doing here. I’ll tell them I’ve made friends, that I’ve got a wonderful little girlfriend, that I’m holding down a steady, honest job and that my classes are hard but that I’m improving.” It was all at least partly true, at least. “And then you can go back home to the tiny flat and work long hours for little pay and have our family all to yourself and leave me in peace. Sounds win-win to me.”

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“I cant go home,” he grumbled, looking down at the floor.

He knew Arkady was just trying to help, to try and make things easier for the both of them but he couldn’t, he couldn’t go home. Of course it could all just be an act on his brothers side but despite against all the evidence from before he was inclined to believe the better of his brother. It was good to pretend, just for a bit. Especially when he knew that in a matter of seconds his brothers caring demeanour would disappear and he would return to the sour angry thing. Nikolay looked up at him defiantly and continued, “you should write to them, it’ll make them happy to hear you’re doing well. Even if most of it is a lie. But it won’t change me being here. It won’t make them bring me home… They sent me away too.”

He stared his brother down and moved a little closer to him, “Things happened after you left…circumstances changed and…well I’m just like you brother. It was too dangerous for myself and them to stay around. So I’m not just looking out for you, I’ve been exiled too.”

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Can’t go home? Damn, couldn’t Nikolay even cut him an inch of slack? That was a pretty good deal he was offering there, but could his brother even consider it? Arkady’s fabricated good humour instantly faded. Rolling his whole head along with his eyes when the younger Pavlovich told him he should write to their parents anyway even though it wouldn’t make him leave, he let out a groan of frustration.

“They sent you here because of me, you said so yourself!” he cried out, pressing the heals of his hands against his forehead. This conversation was giving him a major headache, and that just was not going to help him on his date at all. But Nikolay was still talking, still going on and on and... too dangerous? Suddenly Arkady’s curiosity was peaked. Dropping his hands back to his sides, he tilted his head and contemplated his brother for a moment, trying to figure out if this was some sort of lie just to get to him.

“What are you talking about, brother?” His voice held suspicion clearly, but also interest. To dangerous for them to stay as well? Them as in their parents? Their sister? Where had they gone? What was happening back home?

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Oh dear.
 
He took a couple of steps back from Arkady and looked down at the ground, “I uh…yes. I was sent here to watch you, because someone has too, you know. Same way I’m sure you would look it for me if you could pull your head out of your own ass for two seconds.”
 
Yes. That was it, distract him by making him angry, if he made him angry and annoyed he would forget the line of questioning that he had been on. Mama and papa told him not to say anything, although he didn’t know why. Arkady didn’t seem to care about anything so why would he care about what was happening back home. He definitely showed no interest in how his dearest parents were doing, and never had he ever shown any kind of kindness to their sister. If he told Arkady he would probably just shrug or laugh, find some kind of irony in it all.
 
“I mean you really have no idea how to look out for anyone else other than yourself do you?” he said and managed to smirk as well, “you are your number one priority, and nothing is ever going to change that, is it?”

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Arkady’s eyes narrowed as he stared his brother down. He was lying. Why wouldn’t he look at him now? Why did he sound so nervous? Something was going on at home and that was why their parents had really sent Nikolay here. So why not send Natalya too? She was probably still too young, Arkady didn’t actually know how old someone had to be to get enrolled at Tintagel.

It wasn’t adding up. There was more going on than Nikolay was saying, but of course the younger boy wouldn’t just come out with it. He wanted to punish his brother, or maybe he just wanted to see how interested Arkady really was, see if he could get him to admit that he did actually care about their family. Maybe Niki wasn’t the best actor, but he had learned what buttons to push over the years.

Arkady was not going to give him the satisfaction, no matter how curious he really was... nor how worried.

“You know what? You’re right. I only care about myself, and having a good time, no matter how it affects anyone else,” the older brother replied, a hint of bitterness in his tone. “You don’t have to look out for me, Niki, I’m taking care of that pretty well myself, so here’s a new proposition: You mind your own business and stay out of my way and I won’t ruin you.” He didn’t elaborate on what way. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be late for my date, and you know how rude it is to keep a lady waiting. Oh, wait, no you don’t.”

With one last very fake smile, Arkady turned and walked out, slamming the door behind him.


((I hope that’s okay to let him walk out. I can edit if need be. If it’s okay, feel free to post a final one to wrap this up!))

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Nikolay winced as the door slammed.

Well that was effective. He had just about survived his first encounter with his brother after their brief absence from each other’s company, and he had come out of it with minimal damage, physically and emotionally. It could normally be a lot worse than that, so he was grateful for small miracles. He ran his fingers through his hair and sat down on his bed looking at the carpet.

His brother would never change, and neither would he, most likely they would continue this feud or whatever it was between them until they died, which hopefully wasn’t going to be anytime soon. He wondered what it would be like if they had a better relationship, if they could stand each other for more than five minutes, if they could talk to one another. He wanted to tell him what was happening to their family, what was happening to the place they lived, how Arkady and Nikolay weren’t they only ones sent off to a far off place, the real reason their parents had sent him here. The reason Natalya had been sent to stay in relative security and comfort with Sophie.

Most of all though he would tell his brother how he wished he could be like him at times, carefree, reckless, that sometimes after everyone went to bed at night he sneaked out and was that person. How it had started as just a way to make more money but now he revelled in it, enjoyed it, he wanted his brother to be a part of it, to support him, encourage him…to join him? Somehow he thought it would be a better use of their talents.

He sat up straight and rolled his left shoulder a couple of times, massaging the muscle with his other hand. It was a strange habit he had developed, it had never quite gone back to normal when he dislocated it not so long ago and he was trying to make it stronger. He wished he could have told Arkady about that. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t tell anyone…

Sighing he reached across to his bedside cabinet and took out a bit of paper and a pen.

Dear Mama and Papa…